


the red wheelbarrow (tyrelliot)

by jocalvins



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Smut, Recovery, martin wallström - Freeform, rami malek - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 04:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18793417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocalvins/pseuds/jocalvins
Summary: Tyrell makes Elliot the happiest he's ever been - and yet the demons of his past won't leave him alone. As things get more and more complicated, he starts to wonder if he can even trust his own mind. Is a happy ending possible for them or would they both be better off alone?





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. So this is your typical gay/angst/fluff fanfiction about Tyrelliot (Mr Robot). It's an AU though and the characters don't always act like the ones we know from the show.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, HOMOPHOBIA, DID, PTSD, ANXIETY, OCD, VIOLENCE
> 
> If I missed something please let me know and I'll add it! Please don't read if you're not comfortable with one of those things, stay safe ❤ 
> 
> Technically you can read this without having seen Mr Robot but some stuff might confuse. And there is no way you can read this if you plan on watching / finishing the show later because there's "spoilers" for all three seasons.
> 
> There's also A LOT of references from different fandoms in here so ;) (If you spot the one in the last chapter you need Jesus, just like me. That's all I say about that.)
> 
> Ready? Cool. So now I have just two more things to say:
> 
> 1\. I've never experienced what Tyrell has to deal with, and while I have some friends with similar problems who told me about it, I'd never claim to represent someone's illness perfectly well when I haven't felt it myself. Everyone's brain works differently but I still hope I wrote this in a way that somehow makes sense. If I didn't, I'm open to criticism.
> 
> 2\. I'm an English Major but my English is far from perfect and it's not my Native language. German is the language I've been telling stories in since before I could even write, and this is my first story in English. So please keep that in mind if something sounds awkward.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING!

1 //  
Now.  
(Where is my mind - Pixies)

“Do you remember how it all started?”

Elliot sighed. The seconds seemed to drag on forever. This session had been going on for too long already – but Krista, his therapist, just didn't stop talking. 4:02 pm... He couldn't help but think that putting a giant clock on the wall probably wasn't the best choice for a mental asylum specified in anxiety disorders. Or maybe it was just him.

Elliot hated clocks and the unspoken discomfort they brought into people's lives. Not only the deadlines and appointments but also the way they subconsciously told people what they should be doing. Each time of the day had its assigned activities and while Elliot loved routine, he hated being told what his routine should consist of.

In here it was always the same.  
Breakfast, exercise, lunch, therapy, free time, sleep. Elliot hated everything about this.

Firstly, it had never been easy for him to just fall asleep when he was supposed to. Secondly he despised every exercise that wasn't running away from his problems. And thirdly, he couldn't stand talking about his feelings. They didn't even have access to the internet in here, which he KNEW was beneficial for his mental stability - but Elliot couldn't care less about his mental stability.

“Mr Alderson. Do you remember when you started feeling this way?”

He flinched. What a stupid question. It was indicating that the way he felt was caused by something or someone, that this was not who he was.

But “this way” also included his thought patterns in general. His habit of questioning everything and everyone around him, how frustrated he was with society as a whole and his desire to change something.

Was there really anything wrong about that? Humans were fucked up and Elliot refused to believe anyone who tried to convince him of the opposite.

Just turn on the news and you get it handed on a silver plate! This wasn't a personal issue that Elliot had. It was an issue of the human race, an issue of communication, of power.

Concerning his mental illness though... no. He didn't remember what it felt like to be whole. Darlene often told him stories about their childhood, stories of happiness and family, but it didn't quite reach his brain, as if they had happened to a stranger.

He felt so disconnected from his own past, his own present even, that it sometimes scared him.

At some point he had started talking to imaginary friends – nothing unusual for a ten year old kid, but when puberty hit, it didn't stop. He trusted the people he made up and talked to in his head more than his sister or his childhood friend Angela.

Slowly he started isolating himself from them, from everyone who wanted to help. Only talking the bare minimum at school and during therapy sessions.

To the people close to him he seemed constantly on edge, constantly stressed – and he was. He was fighting a war in his head ever since the day he told a secret he was never supposed to tell, since the day he last saw his father.

Elliot had been mad at him and his father had tried everything to make him forgive him but he didn't stand a chance - Elliot was furious. When he was pushed through that window by his dad, Elliot's childhood fell apart - what was left of it, that is. There was no way he could forgive him.

And then his father passed away.

Elliot knew exactly what a psychologist would think about this story. It was a perfect little explanation for those who constantly searched for the reasoning behind people's actions.  
But he had spent enough time in their company to be familiar with their meaningless phrases, their explanations that didn't change anything and didn't help him.

Do you think you feel responsible for your father's death, Elliot? Do you think he died because you were upset with him, Elliot?

Always the same. This one was new, though. Do you remember when you started feeling this way. Well shit, Sherlock, have fun figuring that one out. It isn't even that hard, you can do it, show me what you went to med school for.

“Elliot, you need to give me something to work with.”

He raised his head, looking at the woman in front of him with tired eyes.

“I can't. I... I'm tired.”

Krista checked the clock behind her. “We'll try again tomorrow, okay?” She smiled at him encouragingly but the smile did not reach her eyes. Elliot always noticed things like that which explained why he had such a hard time casually interacting with other people.

Usually he saw right through their fake smiles and friendly words, and when he couldn't, it made him even more uncomfortable.

“Has something been keeping you up at night, Elliot? Do you think you need to switch medication or maybe some herbal-”  
Elliot stopped listening. Instead, he shook his head yes and no, depending on the question, depending on whatever the hell would get him out of there as quickly as possible.

When she finally offered him to go back to his room, he put on a smile, left the room and navigated his way through the halls. It was about time he got out of there because there was no way he would start crying in front of Krista again. He knew it was her job, he knew this was why he was here, but his pride didn't allow him to let go of his self-control in front of this woman he barely knew, a woman who was paid to watch him cry. Because no one else would listen to him.

Before he could even reach his room, he felt the crushing waves of loneliness and anxiety rolling up again, suffocating him and trying to push him under. He had no one in the world, and here he stood now, stuck in a mental institution because he was too fragile to survive on his own, and for some reason these people thought his life was worth saving.

And the worst thing, the realization that scared him more than anything, was that he didn't even remember what exactly had happened, and how he got there. But sooner or later he would remember, right? Sooner or later the missing bits and pieces of his memory would come back, like it always did. Elliot forgot about past events quite frequently. His best friend Shayla had always teased him about it. Shayla... At least he still remembered her.  
At least he still remembered him.

The pace of his steps down the hallway changed, sped up first but then he slowed down again as his eyes started tearing up, blurring his vision.

These gray halls with their white doors and motivational pictures and messages on the walls all looked the same to him. He had no clue how to find his room without attracting attention while he was crying like that. Some other patients were already looking at him, he could feel it. Maybe it was just his usual paranoia, who knew. Elliot sure as hell didn't.

He stumbled around a corner and finally arrived at his room. Once he was in there, he pressed his back against the wall, sliding down until he fell to the floor and quietly started sobbing, pressing one hand on his mouth to muffle the sound. The ugly truth, the one he hadn't even allowed himself to think of when he had been asked that question earlier, was that he did remember what it felt like to be whole. Not only whole but safe, warm, secure in somebody's arms. Somebody who understood, who knew and loved him anyways. Without being paid, without getting anything out of it.

Somebody who wasn't with him now.

2//  
(Friday I'm in love – The Cure)

One year prior.

\---

Darlene and Shayla had been talking about this for months and Elliot had tried his best to seem just as excited. He knew how much Shayla loved the band The Cure – he was a fan of their music himself. But since he had never been to a concert before he couldn't help but feel nervous about it.

Hundreds, if not thousands of people, crowded in a room a bit to small for all of those bodies, dancing, jumping and pushing each other. Elliot despised being touched by strangers. To be fair, he couldn't stand being touched in general, even by his sister or his friends. He couldn't imagine how this was supposed to be a positive experience for him - but he joined his friends anyway, because he knew he shouldn't isolate himself.

As they got off the subway, Darlene started blasting Friday I'm in love .“To put everyone in the moood!” she exclaimed and put her arm around Dom, who was walking beside her, smiling at her, noticeably embarrassed by her girlfriend drawing all the attention to herself.

Her and Darlene had only been dating for a couple of weeks and Elliot predicted that this love wouldn't last very long, just like all of Darlene's relationship had ended quickly and not in good terms. In fact, Shayla and him sometimes placed bets on who would break whose heart and how long they would last. It was mean, but most of the time at least one of them got it right – which was also a little funny to be honest.

And when Darlene first introduced Dom to them, her eyes gleaming with love and excitement, Elliot couldn't help but like her. This girl was the complete opposite to Darlene's ex Cisco, who had been a loser with a fear of commitment and a criminal past. In contrast to that, Dom was a cop and seemed to handle Darlene's mood swings and her bossiness perfectly well. Internally Elliot hoped that this would be the happy ending his sister deserved.

“Elliot, come on. At least pretend you're looking forward to this.” Shayla pulled the hood of his jacket off his head and laughed at his annoyed gaze.

Elliot had met her right after he moved to New York, in a desperate attempt to leave his hometown behind and get some distance in between him and his messed up childhood. His first own apartment was small and dark but it was the best he could afford, and it was enough for him.

Before he had even unpacked all of his stuff – literally speaking - Shayla had taken him under her wing and showed him around in New York. She didn't mind that Elliot was socially awkward and didn't know how to talk to her. At night they had walked in between busy streets and Elliot had simply taken in all of the new impressions, quietly walking next to Shayla while she had pretended to be a tour guide.

“Have you ever sat on a rooftop and stared into the night sky?” Shayla had asked him as she noticed Elliot staring up at a skyscraper. He shook his head. “I was never.. the kind of person to do stuff like that”, he said, leaving it up to Shayla how she wanted to interpret his choice of words.

“New York doesn't care who you were before”, Shayla had exclaimed. “You can be whoever you wanna be now, baby”. She had smiled at him and Elliot had smiled back. Maybe this was his chance to have a new beginning, even though he was scared as hell.

And now, five years later, here he was, once again doing something that terrified him.  
“I AM excited”, he replied, in a monotonous voice. Darlene shook her head laughed at him, intertwining her hand with Dom's. So cheesy, Elliot thought.

“It's gonna be cool”, Shayla said and winked at him. “Give it a try.”

Once they entered the venue, Elliot's fight or flight reflex kicked in immediately.  
The air was so stuffy that he constantly raised his head towards the ceiling to catch some fresh air, which didn't really help. Once the opening act started playing, his legs hurt already and his tongue uncomfortably stuck to the roof of his mouth.

And still, he felt quite comfortable. For some reason concerts were a whole different experience than any other event with a large crowd of people.

“I'm gonna get something to drink”, Darlene screamed in his ear. He nodded and watched her disappear into the crowd.

When he turned his head to face the stage again, he locked eyes with a guy a few rows in front of him. He looked kinda out of place, surrounded by so many people with dyed hair, torn up clothes, tattoos and piercings.

With his slicked back blonde hair and his neat white shirt he looked like he was dressed for a business meeting, not a rock concert. When Elliot focused on his piercing blue eyes he noticed that they had something scary about them... but at the same time he seemed so anxious and lost in this place, just like himself.

Before Elliot could even start wondering why he was staring at him like that, the guy turned away.

“You okay?” Dom yelled in his direction.  
He nodded again. “I'm fine”, he said. A few minutes later, Darlene was back and he took a sip from the cup of water she offered him. During the entire rest of the break he couldn't help but stare at the back of the man's head.

When the band finally entered the stage, the noise of the people around him screaming and clapping their hands completely overwhelmed Elliot. It took him a couple of songs to get in the mood and forget about all of the people. But soon he was singing along and enjoying himself the best he could.

During “Pictures of you” Shayla put an arm around him and he smiled at her, indicating that he was having fun and she didn't have to worry. But no matter how emotional this song made him, Elliot couldn't get his brain to shut up.

His mind was all over the place, jumping in between thoughts like it always did: “Oh my god that guitar solo.. Please stop touching me, this is too much'...where is the guy with the blue eyes?... this is so good... is it really them on stage? That's crazy... but I need to get out of here... I can't breathe.”

The musicians on stage looked like this was the easiest and most natural thing in the world to them and it probably was. They had been doing this for decades, they were used to the noise and the people screaming and the heat and the hundreds of bodies pushing each other. Elliot closed his eyes, tried to take in the music and capture the moment.

For a while, it worked well – not for long though. He couldn't take it. All he wanted was to be alone, cry and enjoy the silence around him.

“I'm gonna go... uh... to the bathroom”, he mouthed at Shayla, who still had her arm around his shoulder. She instantly looked worried for him. They always did, all of them. He was always the one hurting them just by being the mess that he was. And god, he was so sick of it. While the band was still playing and everyone around him seemed to be in a trance-like state., he made his way through the crowd, holding his breath the whole time.

When he finally made it to the exit, he ran past the security guards and stormed off, away from the venue. As soon as the fresh, cold night air filled his lungs, he bent over and threw up. Fuck.

“To be honest I'm surprised you almost made it through the entire concert”, he heard a cynical voice say.

“Oh shut up”, he shot back when he could breathe again, and started walking back in the direction of the venue.

“You made your friends worry again. Do you know that? Do you know how much better they would be off without you, how much more fun they would've had tonight?”

He's not real, Elliot reminded himself, he is. not. real.

But what did it matter? He saw him standing there, he heard his voice, he believed his words.

Real. That was such an subjective word. For all he knew the concert could've been fake, the pavement he stood on just an illusion. Maybe the trees around him where just made up by his imagination. The man standing in front of him, a perfect replica of his own father, cap, jacket and all, wasn't any less real than the cold wind Elliot felt on his skin.

However, just when the hallucination opened his mouth again he suddenly vanished and instead, he heard another voice.

“Are you okay?”

He turned around and could barely believe his eyes when he saw the blonde guy with the slicked back hair right in front of him. For a few seconds he completely forgot to talk and just wished he could disappear so he wouldn't have to stand here, looking like a total mess in front of the most angelic person he had ever laid eyes upon.

He swallowed dry and nodded. “Yeah, uh I guess it was just – so stuffy in there I... I needed some fresh air.”

The man raised the corners of his mouth to a sympathetic smile. It was one that actually reached his eyes - Elliot always noticed small mannerisms like that.

“Understandable. I also couldn't take the heat in there. I hate crowded places.” He shuddered. “I'm Tyrell Wellick by the way.”

When Tyrell reached out his hand, Elliot noticed that he wore blue plastic gloves, similar to the ones doctors used.

Elliot knew what it was like to be looked at like you were a maniac so he decided not to ask and not to stare at the gloves. Instead he smiled and shook the guy's hand. 

“Elliot Alderson.”

“Is that a Swedish name?” Tyrell asked. Elliot liked how he seemed actually interested but the question still caught him by surprise. “N-not that I know of.”

He laughed nervously. Something about this guy's way of looking at him made him feel even more nervous and vulnerable than usual. He folded his arms in front of his body, hugging himself. All of a sudden he felt like crying again. He quickly averted his gaze and stared at his shoes.

“Hey. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable I swear, I just – I suck at small talk. I only moved here last month from Stockholm in Sweden where I went to university and I haven't met anyone yet and I thought tonight would be the perfect opportunity... but now I'm out here because I can't handle being surrounded by people -.”

Elliot noticed the panic in Tyrell's voice and felt really bad for him. “God, I hate myself”, the blonde added.

Elliot looked up, smirking. “You talk a lot.”  
“I know. I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry.”  
“You apologize a lot too. Like me.”

Tyrell nodded slowly and started smiling again.  
“What is it about crowds that freaks you out?”, he asked.  
“Everything. The noise... but I think people randomly touching me, that's the worst part.”  
Tyrell seemed surprised. “For me too”, he said. “I really don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. I thought I got better, you know? But it terrifies me.”

He had no idea why he told a stranger all that but he felt like Elliot understood, more than most people, anyways.

For a while none of them talked. After a while, Tyrell sat down on the sidewalk and leaned his head against a tree. Elliot quickly followed his example, simply because just standing there while Tyrell was sitting made him so uncomfortable, sitting next to each other couldn't be worse.

“What's your favorite The Cure song?” Tyrell asked after a while.

“Pictures of You. It reminds me of my best friend”, Elliot replied immediately. He felt more comfortable now, not having to look into those eyes that made him dizzy. Eye contact wasn't his strong suit.

“We're neighbors but sometimes we stay over at each others places and we listen to The Cure and watch movies all night. Not at the same time. Obviously.”  
“Sounds like a great friendship”, Tyrell replied thoughtfully. There was a hint of jealousy in his voice.  
“It is. I love her a lot. And I bet she's worried sick about me.”

Tyrell didn't know what to say. He didn't have any close friends because he had moved too often as a kid to ever build anything long lasting. He had skipped two grades in middle school and high school, which led to him having to change courses even more often.

 

When he got to university he somehow managed to still be a loner. The thing was that he actually didn't like most people that much. He didn't trust them. Even more surprising that now he saw this guy siting next to him and he felt a kind of protectiveness he had never felt before. Elliot was probably about his age but seemed like a little boy with his over-sized hoodie and his messy black curls. All Tyrell wanted was to take him into his arms and never let go.  
Uhh, what?

He couldn't help but wonder if Elliot's so called best friend really was just that.  
Tyrell, you're crazy, he told himself. You don't even know him and it' s none of your business.

“What's yours?” Elliot asked and turned his head, looking Tyrell in the eyes for the first time since they had sat down. For a second Tyrell didn't know what he was talking about but then he remembered.

“Lovesong”, he said hesitantly. Elliot seemed to wait for an explanation, but Tyrell didn't have any. “It just speaks to me, you know?”

“I know. I get it.”

Their conversation was interrupted when the concert ended and hundreds of people were running past them. Elliot let his head fall against the trunk of the tree and closed his eyes, his head still facing Tyrell.

“Noise”, he groaned.

He honestly didn't know what he was feeling. They both didn't. But the moments they shared outside one of the biggest concert venues in New York City felt more natural and comfortable than most of the human interaction Tyrell had had in his every-day life. He could see Elliot getting tense again when the sound of laughter and voices got louder again.

Without even realizing it, he reached out his hand, the gloves still on, and cupped one of Elliot's cheeks with his right hand. Elliot flinched but then he seemed to relax under his touch.

“We should go find your friend”, Tyrell said after a few seconds. His eyes still closed, Elliot nodded.  
“Apparently they don't miss me as much as I thought”, he joked.

Tyrell pulled him back up and they headed towards the venue. The noise didn't bother them as much anymore. After only a few seconds, Elliot could see Darlene's face in the crowd. She was waving and screaming in his direction.  
“That's my sister”, Elliot said awkwardly.

“ELLIOT!” Shayla ran towards him and took him into her arms. “Thank god you're okay. We looked everywhere but didn't find you-”  
As much as he loved her, for a second Elliot wished his friend wasn't there. She was acting like an overprotective mom again.

“That's Tyrell. He – took care of me”, he stuttered. Shayla smiled at Tyrell but he looked equally as awkward as Elliot.  
“Well, thanks, Tyrell”, she said.

“I gotta go now. Bonsoir, Elliot.” Tyrell quickly touched Elliot's shoulder - a casual gesture between friends. Elliot watched Tyrell walk off into the night and could barely hear Shayla complain to him about how worried she had been.  
Even Mr Robot didn't show up again that night. Elliot wasn't even surprised about it.

His mind was purely and fully occupied by Tyrell Wellick.


	2. Part 2

3//   
Now  
(Death on two legs - Queen)

The memory made Elliot smile. But as it started to fade more and more and he slowly returned to reality, the smile vanished from his face, leaving nothing but the cruel and ugly truth.  
Something wasn't right, something didn't add up. And one thing was for certain, he did not remember what it was.

How did he end up in here? Where was Tyrell? Panic rose up in his chest, creeping its way through his entire body and paralyzing him.

“You really don't remember?”

Of course. Of course he was here. That raspy, teasing voice

“No. Maybe you would like to inform me about what you know?”

Over the years he had learned not to be frightened by Mr Robot anymore. Elliot was merely annoyed whenever he showed up but it was a painful reminder that he still couldn't trust his senses.

“Oh you don't even wanna know. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes. Believe me, I'm protecting you”, Mr Robot knelt down to be eye to eye with Elliot who was still huddled on the floor of his shabby little room.

Inside Elliot's mind there was a small part who feared that his dad might be right, that it really was for his best not to remember. But wasn't it always better to be aware of something than to repress it?

“I'm gonna tell you the whole story”, he stated and stared the hallucination in the eyes resolutely.  
“Oh I know the story”, he teased.  
“You're the only one I can talk to in here. So I'm gonna tell you.”  
“Whatever, kiddo.” He seemed almost disappointed in him for being so persistent.  
“You'll see what you get from this.”

 

\----

4//  
Then.  
(ilomilo– Billie Eilish)

It was the middle of the night on a workday and Elliot couldn't get his hands of the laptop in front of him. His computer skills had been something he was very proud of since he was a little kid. If his job as a tech at the company AllSafe someday wouldn't work out anymore he might as well become a professional hacker, Darlene used to joke.

As qualified as Elliot would be for that “career” he had no intentions to ever follow that path. He didn't care about money and he wasn't too keen on getting involved with all of the dirt people hid under their layers and layers of self-representation people loved to practice on every form of social media. Nonetheless that didn't stop him from doing it every time something about a person seemed off.

As soon as Darlene dropped the name of someone she was romantically involved with, he couldn't hold his fingers still until he had found out everything about a person there was to find out about them.  
And today it was Tyrell Wellick.

Usually it took Elliot about half an hour to hack a person's entire life, but not today. He had done a simple google search to find out if Tyrell even was who he pretended to be and of course, everything was spot on. He was twenty-three, just like Elliot, had graduated high school at sixteen, went to America as an exchange student at fourteen, studied business management in Stockholm and came back to America, just like he said, a few months ago.

His social media passwords however weren't easy to hack. This guy knew what he was doing, and more importantly, apparently he knew what people like Elliot were doing. He was so frustrated because for the first time, he couldn't seem to find out anything the average person wasn't able to find out about this man.

What annoyed him more than anything though, was that he didn't have his phone number or any way to contact him.  
And one thing was for sure, Elliot wanted to see him again.  
So there was only one possible way: He had to request to follow him on Instagram and DM him. Like a fuckin' caveman. Like a 14 year old girl messaging her celebrity crush “I want your babies”. Yeah, just like that.

He changed his profile picture twice and checked all the posts he had on his account – two pictures of his dog and one with Shayla and Darlene at the Arcade they sometimes liked to go to. Why? To be honest, Elliot had no idea. Was he really trying to impress a guy he didn't even know?  
Yes.

He clicked on the follow button and then threw his phone on his bed and grabbed a cigarette to calm himself down. Darlene had tried a hundred times to stop him from smoking even though she did it herself. “That's different”, she would say. “I only smoke because it's fun and because I like it. You do all kinds of drugs and you always do it when you're upset, to calm yourself down.”

Elliot still found it a bit hypocritical but she had a point. He had tried everything. Nicotine, weed, Xanax, Morphine, Adderall... yes, in that order. None of it really stopped the noise in his head so smoking cigarettes was the least complicated thing to do. Dealers were usually shitty people and Elliot's anxiety was too bad to deal with them on a regular basis.

The cigarette helped calming him down a little and he found himself staring out of the window. New York, the city that never sleeps. It was true though. He liked the distractions this giant city offered, yet he spent most of his time alone in his room or at work. It was strange and he didn't understand it himself. Silence was torture for him because that was when he was the strongest and never left him alone. At the same time, noisy, crowded places terrified him

What he needed, Elliot concluded, was one person to share his life with. One person to scare away his dark thoughts and his hallucinations which almost never came to haunt him when he spent time with people he loved. Never more, never less. One person by his side forever. Maybe deep down he was a hopeless romantic after all.

When he was fourteen, his friend Angela had kissed him at a sleepover when it was just the two of them. He responded by saying, “thank you but let's never do that again”. And so they didn't.  
Elliot never kissed a girl again and didn't feel like changing that either. He had kissed a few boys too and decided that was more his deal. Except, of course, it wasn't that easy.

It never was. The usual story you tell people, “I've known since I was small”, all because of the fear that they might try to invalidate your identity, your whole past, like they always did.   
Elliot had known since he was small and he repressed it. He couldn't accept that he had become the very thing his homophobic parents, his entire culture was so disgusted by.

A gay, mentally ill, second-generation immigrant boy. He heard his dad mocking voice in his head, even though of course his dad never found out. Maybe that was another reason why he had decided to live in a city like New York: It was so much easier to be invisible.

“I don't have time for that right now”, he told himself, almost jokingly and pulled another cigarette from the package. Before he went back to the window, he gazed at the phone on his bed and couldn't resist. He grabbed it and opened Instagram, only to see that -

Elliot let out a quiet scream. He just couldn't help it. Tyrell had accepted his request, and of course his profile was exactly what he had expected. Pictures of New York, pictures of Sweden, pictures of him doing cool stuff in countries of which Elliot didn't even know where they were located.

He sighed and inhaled deeply. Then he clicked on the message button, once again having no idea why exactly he did it.

But just as he was about to type something, a message popped up.

“I can't believe you think Pictures of You is the best song by The Cure.”

Elliot's heart started pounding faster. “Hey. I never said it's their best song, just that it's my favorite.”

“Touche. I'm glad you found me on here, Elliot.”

Elliot had no idea what to say to that.

“I'm glad too. I listen to Lovesong all the time now.”

“Good choice. We should see each other soon, so we can listen to it together.”

…. what?

“We totally should”, trying his best not to freak out completely.  
“I'm looking forward to it”, Tyrell replied immediately. “You know the old Arcade, FunSociety?”

Now that was just creepy. “I used to go there all the time” Elliot typed. Once again, the reply was instant.  
“Wanna meet there tomorrow? 5 pm?”  
YES YES YES:  
“Sure!”.  
“See you tomorrow, Elliot.”

Elliot couldn't stop blushing. There was no way he could go to sleep anytime soon, not like this. He turned off his phone and stared at the ceiling, grinning like an idiot.  
Maybe tomorrow would be a good day. If he didn't fuck it up, which he probably would. But maybe, maybe, maybe this would actually end well.

\---

5//   
Then.  
(If you could read my mind – Gordon Lightfoot)

When Elliot arrived at the Arcade, there were barely any people and the skies were somewhere in between blue and gray. It was probably going to rain soon, he realized. He had been here a few times with Shayla and Darlene so it felt a bit weird to share this place with a guy he was … interested in. They never went on any of the rides though – they liked to just watch and spend time around this calmer, less fast-paced part of the city. Fun Society used to consist only of the Ferris Wheel and the inside attractions, but had become more of a carnival with different booths and even roller coasters. 

When they were still small, back in there hometown on the countryside, there had been an amusement park which they often went to. Back then, Darlene wasn't allowed to go on most of the rides yet – and the drama queen she was, she always threw a tantrum. Elliot smiled, lost in memory. Secretly he had enjoyed the attention from his dad when they went on roller coasters together.

He glanced over at the Ferris Wheel which had always been his favorite ride. It wasn't the most exciting but there was nothing better than to look down at the city from up there.  
And of course, it was a lot quieter and calmer than the other rides.

Tyrell showed up exactly on time and at first, Elliot had no idea how to react. Was he supposed to hug him? Shake hands with him? Before he could start to panic, Tyrell smiled at him and went in for a hug. Elliot could feel his body getting tense but when Tyrell wrapped his arms around him, he immediately relaxed.

“Hey”, Tyrell said into his ear and Elliot could hear the smile in his voice. Elliot could feel the chills all the way down his spine. Gosh.  
“Hi”, Elliot replied and let go of Tyrell.  
“You wanna walk for a bit?”, he asked, gathering up his courage.  
“Sure. I've actually never been here before. I mean it's more for little children anyways. But something's cool about this place, don't you think? I've wanted to go for a while.”  
Elliot looked around at the booth's around them, some of them offering food, some the most useless crap Elliot had ever seen.

“I wonder who the hell would even buy something like that”, he said in a quiet voice and pointed at a cheesy little skeleton figure. God forbid the person who crafted it would hear him. The skeleton held a little paper heart that said “you are the bone-ly one in my heart”.

Tyrell burst out laughing. “I'd totally buy that”, he said. “It's so creative, you gotta admit that.”  
“It's so bad.”  
“I know, I know.” They kept walking. “Can I ask you something?”   
“Sure.” Elliot looked away from the booth and back at Tyrell.

“Why did you agree to meet me again?”

Elliot stopped walking. “I could ask you the same thing. But since you asked first, I'm gonna answer. I think-” Should he really say what he had on his mind? “I think there was something between us, when we sat there, outside the concert.” God, Elliot, you're such a cliche.

I don't know what it was but it was there and I never felt it before, with anyone.”  
“Ditto”, Tyrell said, smiling. “I just had to see you again.”

Elliot felt as if his heart was jumping up and down in his chest in a way that wasn't quite healthy.  
“So I guess we should get to know each other”, he said awkwardly. “Why did you come to New York?”  
“I really love America”, Tyrell replied without missing a beat. “I spent some time here as an exchange student-”

I know, Elliot thought and had to bite his lip to hold back his laughter.  
“I was in Minnesota back then but New York always fascinated me - don't bite your lip, you're distracting me – so I decided to get a job here...”  
Elliot could feel his face going bright red. Umm, WHAT?

“And now I work at E-Corp. It's far from being my dream job but I guess it was an opportunity I couldn't miss. When I was small, I always wanted to have a powerful position in a big company and that's why I always worked so hard to get somewhere.”

It all made sense to Elliot. The skipped grades, the early accomplishments. But he knew there was something else underneath it all and he would find out what it was.

“But your family is still in Sweden?”Elliot asked, trying to remain on this quite neutral topic to get his face to cool down again. So embarrassing that he was always blushing like a teenager.

Tyrell didn't reply at first, then he said: “My mom died when I was six. My dad kicked me out shortly after I graduated high school because he saw me with another guy.”

Oh. Oh shit.

“That... sucks... I'm sorry.” Elliot didn't really know what to say. Wasn't Sweden a quite liberal country? The stupidity of that thought hit him only shortly after. Of course there were always exceptions and Tyrell's father seemed to be one of them. How fitting.

“It's fine. I made it here”. Tyrell threw his hands in the air and smiled at Elliot. “New York City.”

But around them was nothing but glowing neon lights, distant music and some booths, but altogether the Arcade looked pretty abandoned.

Elliot couldn't help but think that Tyrell must have spent most of his life in crushing loneliness, and that made him so sad he had to stop himself from wanting to hug him.

“You did.” He smiled back.

“What about you though?”

“I guess I just wanted something completely different. I wanted to disappear in the crowd. But turns out, crowds are scary.” He laughed at how simple that sounded.

“My family also isn't that great but I have a sister who I'm quite close with.”

“Right. She went to the concert with you. And your best friend, right?”

“Right.” Elliot suddenly became aware that he talked about Shayla and Darlene too much, but he there wasn't really anything else going on in his life.  
So he decided to say just that.

“I spend most of my free time with them because I feel comfortable around them. Meeting new people is so difficult.”  
Elliot noticed that without really planning it, he had led them towards the Ferris Wheel.  
“I feel you. I literally haven't found any friends yet since I got here. But this is okay, right?”  
He nodded. It was more than okay.

“Wanna go up there?” he asked.

Tyrell's eyes widened. “Are you trying to tell me the guy who gets dizzy at a concerts goes on Ferris Wheels in his free time?”  
“Those are two very different things. And I don't even go here that often. I have other stuff to do.”  
“Oh really? Like what exactly”, Tyrell asked and leaned on the rail that belonged to the stairs leading up to the ticket booth.  
“Music and … computer stuff”, Elliot replied hesitantly.  
“Kinky”, Tyrell said.  
“Tyrell, I swear to god-”

Just as it escaped his mouth, Elliot realized he had never said the name out loud, except for when he introduced Tyrell to Shayla.  
He had to admit he liked the sound.  
Tyrell shrugged and looked up at the Ferris Wheel again. “I don't have a life either. Soooo you really wanna go up there?”  
“Yes, I mean only if you want to.”  
Tyrell was absolutely terrified of heights but even more terrified that Elliot might think he was lame.  
“Guess I'll survive”, he said and sighed. 

Once again, Elliot couldn't help but panic about who was gonna pay for the tickets. Tyrell probably had a shitload of money but he still wasn't sure if this was even a date and Elliot wasn't a girl and not experienced enough in gay dating to know what to do.

“Two tickets, please”, Tyrell finally said.  
“Oh well, thanks”, Elliot murmured and he could feel himself blushing again.  
Tyrell didn't answer, he just laughed.

The second that they took off from the floor, Tyrell grabbed the rail and started taking deep breaths.  
“Jesus”, he gasped.  
“You know, you can just call me Elliot.”  
The movement of the wheel was slow and steady, their wagon only fluctuating lightly in the wind – but that didn't stop Tyrell from freaking out.  
Now it was Elliot who couldn't hold back his laughter.

“You're not gonna fall out, don't worry”, he tried to comfort him – but without success.

“Ohmygoditgetsevenhigher”. Tyrell squinted his eyes shut. “I hope you know I only did this for you, Alderson. I'm so scared of heights.”  
“Are you?” Elliot said, in a fake-surprised voice. “I had no idea.”  
“Don't make fun of me, okay?”

But now he was laughing too and the more he laughed, the more he seemed to relax. Without even thinking about it, Elliot reached out and took his hand that was still covered in the weird blue gloves. Tyrell looked down at both of their hands and smiled.  
“Okay, this isn't half as bad as I thought.”  
“Holding hands? Or the wheel?”  
“Both.”

Once they had reached the highest point, Elliot grabbed Tyrell's other hand too and Tyrell managed to look down at the city underneath them.

“It's beautiful”, he said. “Scary, but beautiful.”

The sun started to go down but New York seemed to only shine brighter at night, with all the traffic lights and busy streets.  
After a while Elliot looked up at Tyrell's face. He seemed like a little kid, so amazed and enamored with what he was seeing.  
Elliot realized that no matter how many times he had been up here before, this place would never be the same again without Tyrell.

The memory of this moment was like a magic curtain settling over the Arcade, over the entire city even, that would remind Elliot of him and only him for a long, long time. This view was only half as good without this second view, the look on Tyrell's face when he took in all of this magic. There was no other way for Elliot to phrase it, this guy was pure magic.

How could he be so selfish and drag him into his own messed up world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you're enjoying this so far. Let me know if you do :D


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Homophobia, self-harm
> 
> Stay safe!

6//  
(Psychotic Kids -YUNGBLUD)

Trigger warning: homophobia, self-harm

They'd spent the rest of the night walking around the Arcade together, talking about the most random topics, not knowing how to say goodbye to each other.

“We should have lunch tomorrow”, Tyrell said when they reached his car. “I know some fancy restaurants.”  
For a second Elliot got nervous. Fancy restaurant didn't sound like he could wear his old black hoodie there, and it also didn't sound like any place he had ever been to and knew how to behave.

“Orrrrr we could just eat somewhere simple”, he added when he saw the look on Elliot's face.

“I'd love that”, Elliot said, trying not to sound too relieved. 

“There's this new restaurant called The Red Wheelbarrow. Have you been there?”

“I know where it is but I haven't eaten there yet.”

“Perfect. I can't wait. I'll give you my number, okay? I hate texting on Instagram.” Tyrell took out a tiny note book, something so typical for him that it made Elliot smile.

He took a small sheet of paper, wrote his number on there and Elliot already reached out his hand to take it, when Tyrell suddenly put his hand on the pocket of Elliot's jacket, opened the zipper and dropped the paper in there. Once he was done, he smiled at him.

“Done.” His excitement seemed so genuine that it broke Elliot's heart. How could someone be so excited to spend time with him? What was wrong with this guy?

When he got home, he slammed the door shut and stormed towards Mr Robot, who he already knew would be standing in the middle of the room. And of course he was. The arrogant grin on his face made Elliot so angry that he grabbed his shoulders and pushed him against the wall behind them.  
“Don't you dare do anything to him, you hear me?”

For a second the stupid grin disappeared. “You really think you can control this, right? You just keep messing around with any guy that even remotely shows interest in you, thinking I'll accept that?”

“I don't CARE what YOU accept!” He brought his face closer to his. “Why are you even still here? Why can't you just leave me alone and let me live my life the way I want?”

“Because this is my life too, Elliot, when will you finally understand I am a part of you and you can't get rid of me?”

Elliot let go of him and groaned in frustration.  
“I can't do this to him. I need to get away from him before I … drag him into this and you hurt him again.”

It had happened a few times before. The second Elliot started to show interest in a guy, his own brain started to work against him. He embarrassed himself in front of the one he liked and sometimes didn't even remember it. But that wasn't even the worst part...

Once, the year he graduated high school, there had been a huge goodbye party. Elliot had been hiding in the bathroom during most of it, but when he finally went to find his friend Angela, a guy from his math class asked him if he wanted a drink.

One thing led to another and once Elliot was drunk enough not to feel too awkward anymore – not too long after that, they made out in the same bathroom he had been hiding in before.

Alcohol always brought out Mr Robot even faster, just like kissing guys did. When Elliot felt the guy's hands under his shirt he suddenly felt himself being pushed away from him by some invisible force, like he was watching from the outside. At first he tried to fight it, but he had never experienced anything like this before and didn't know how to gain back control over his body. The world around him suddenly seemed blurry and out of shape. For a moment Elliot caught a glimpse at Mr Robot's conceited grin, then he blacked out.

“Remember when you beat up that poor guy I … made out with?” He had to calm himself down. The walls were super thin and he didn't want any of his neighbors to hear him having a fight with himself.

“I only found out days later. People asked me if he tried to rape me. Everyone acted so weird around me for the whole summer. Not even to mention that that I never got to apologize to him. Sorry dude, that was just my second personality making the decision for me. Sounds quite shitty, doesn't it”

Mr Robot rolled his eyes. “You expect me to just stay here and watch?” He pointed his finger at Elliot's head.

“I expect you to leave me the fuck alone.” Elliot's voice was only a whisper and he knew he'd start crying any second now if he didn't do anything soon. Of course he wasn't prepared, as always. He started panicking and looking around his room while also watching Mr Robot slowly walking towards him. Eventually he reached into his pocket. The tools he usually carried with him where nowhere to be found, so he grabbed his keys.

“Oooh, so you're gonna try running away from your own brain now, kiddo?” 

“Come here.” Elliot walked towards him, the keys still in his hand. Before Mr Robot could react, he smashed them into his stupid grinning face - again and again - until could feel the metal against his own head, until he tasted blood, until the hallucination finally started flickering. 

Breathing heavily, Elliot reached out one last time and dragged the sharp side of his key across Mr Robot's face as fast as he could.  
They both sank to the floor, equally defeated, slowly becoming one again.

“You stupid bastard”, he heard the raspy voice in his head before he finally disappeared completely. “Look what you did to us.”

For a second, a split-second only, Elliot thought that he might have gotten rid of him forever this time. But of course he had beat up his hallucinations many times before and the effect never lasted very long.

He got back up and went to the bathroom to look at his own messed up face in the mirror. It wasn't even that bad this time; a bunch of keys couldn't do as much harm as a knife or a crowbar. Honestly he was surprised that he had gotten rid of Mr Robot at all but he sure as hell wasn't complaining.

After he had washed his face, he reached into his pocket to make sure his stuff was still in there – an annoying little habit caused by anxiety. Suddenly he felt something between his fingers that didn't belong in there. Once he realized what it was and who must have put it in there his mind started going crazy again. When did he even buy that?, he wondered.

Inside his pocket, there was a little plastic tree with a sign that said “I tree-ly like you.” It was wrapped around the paper that had Tyrell's number on it.

Elliot sat back down on the floor and felt like crying. But every time he looked at the little tree, he couldn't help but smile. As small and ridiculous as it might be, it felt like a reminder of the sunlight in the middle of a storm.

 

\---

7// Then.

(Hide and Seek – Imogen Heap)

Elliot woke up with the worst headache he had ever had. His head was pounding so badly, it almost felt as if someone had smashed a bunch of keys against his head repeatedly... oh wait.

He groaned and rolled over to his side. There was no way he could go to work like that again. People would take him for a member of the Fight Club, or someone who was into some really kinky shit... or whatever people liked to think. 

But he also couldn't miss work. He'd have to just get up and get it over with At least Mr Robot wasn't bothering him this morning. Elliot got up, splashed some water in his face and brushed his teeth, thinking about whether he should cancel lunch with Tyrell. His fear that Mr Robot might hurt him was weighing on him. But then again, the thought of Tyrell might be the only thing that could get him through the day.

Somehow he made it to his office and did his best to ignore everyone around him, until-

“Elliot, are you okay?”  
Trenton. Of course.

“It's nothing. I just -”  
“That doesn't look like nothing.”  
She reached out her hand to touch the bruise in his forehead but then pulled back, as if she had suddenly remembered Elliot's aversion to being touched.

Trenton was the only one of his co-workers that Elliot actually liked and sometimes talked to. She worked in the same department as him and sometimes offered to bring Elliot lunch when he was too lazy or depressed to get something for himself. 

“I'll be fine”, he shut her up and tried to get away as quickly as possible. She was super sweet but Elliot really couldn't deal with it right now. 

He left work early, saying he wasn't feeling well. Even though he was way too early, he made his way immediately to the restaurant. The skies were still gray and it was probably going to rain soon, so Elliot really wasn't too keen on walking there in the rain. Not that there was anything about his outfit that would be ruined by a little water, but he felt like it would worsen his mood even more if he got wet.

The restaurant Tyrell had proposed was not even half as fancy as Elliot had expected. It looked like the kind of place where university students sat in the afternoon with their laptops to eat a somewhat affordable meal and write their essays. The entrance was decorated by a giant plastic wheelbarrow in red neon lights right above the door. It looked odd but also made the restaurant stand out in comparison to the other stores it was surrounded by. Elliot couldn't help but wonder who had come up with that name in the first place.

“I see you're early too!” Elliot could hear the smile in Tyrell's voice before he even turned around to look at him. “Of course”, he said awkwardly. He never knew what to say or do in Tyrell's presence – it was the absolute worst. Not that he was eloquent when around other people, but around Tyrell he was a whole new level of awkwardness.

“What happened to your face?” Tyrell asked softly.

“You should see the other guy”, Elliot said jokingly. You can't though, because he's only in my head.

“Elliot!” He sounded seriously worried and suddenly Elliot felt like an asshole.

“I slipped and fell on my face. Already saw a doctor about it. I'm clumsy, nothing you can do about it.”

“Well, okay.” He wasn't sure if Tyrell believed him but this was the best excuse he could come up with on spot.

“Wanna go inside?”  
Elliot nodded and started to panic again. He had no idea where to sit, how to talk or how to behave in general. This clearly was a date, right? Would he even have to pay? Would he have to pay for Tyrell too? Was there any secret agenda on what to order and how to eat on dates? Was there-

“I like to sit over there, what do you think?” Tyrell pointed at a booth in the corner of the room. Wasn't that like super romantic? Who did Tyrell normally take here that would require such a table? Oh my god brain, can you just shut up?

“Looks very comfortable”, he replied and smiled.  
“I agree.” Tyrell lead him to the corner of the room. From the inside Elliot noticed that it looked actually more like a fast food restaurant than a fancy cafe. And apparently you had to go to the register to order your food. Rest in peace, Elliot, he thought to himself. Suddenly a thought crossed his mind and it made him smile.

As Tyrell sat down in front of him, Elliot said: “You know, I feel like our dates always take one of us so much courage.”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Had he really just referred to them meeting up as a date? For the first time? OUT LOUD?

“What do you mean?” Tyrell replied with a smile on his face. He didn't seem too hung up on the word date, so Elliot quickly calmed himself and hoped that his face hadn't turned the color of ketchup yet.  
“Well, you're scared of heights and still went on the Ferris Wheel with me. I have social anxiety and I'm scared of eating in public, crowded places and talking to people. So there's that.”  
He grabbed the menu and pretended to read it very carefully, embarrassed by what he had just said.

“You have social anxiety?” Tyrell said softly. Elliot nodded and then sunk deeper into his seat. “I never eat in restaurants”, he admitted.

“You could've told me this is uncomfortable for you”, Tyrell said and reached out his hand across the table. Elliot gazed at it for a second, then he took it. Holding hands with someone who wore plastic gloves was one of the weirdest experiences he ever had, but didn't necessarily feel bad. It was like touching someone but at the same time, not really touching them – perfect for Elliot.

“It's fine”, he said, his eyes still focused on their intertwined hands. “I just thought it was quite funny.”  
He was relieved when a waiter came to their table and took their order, unlike what Elliot had anticipated. Nevertheless he still panicked and ordered the first thing he saw on the menu when he looked at it – which was tomato soup. He didn't even like tomatoes that much but at least he didn't stumble over the words while he spoke.

Tyrell ordered fries and a burger which in hindsight sounded a lot better than his weird soup. But too late. The waiter disappeared and Tyrell suddenly started laughing.

“He looked so confused because we're holding hands, did you see that?”

Elliot smiled. “No”, he said. I was too focused on not embarrassing myself completely.   
“I think it was more the gloves than the fact that we're two guys though”, he added. He had no idea where this sudden confidence came from, but he found it more awkward to keep pretending the gloves didn't exist than to simply state the obvious.  
“Right.” Tyrell's smile suddenly faded. Suddenly Elliot wanted to punch himself for even bringing it up.  
“Is it like... a germs thing?” He voiced his assumption.

“Yeah. But also no. It's not so much about others infecting me with whatever, it's more about... leaving my fingerprints on people. And infecting them.”  
That's a thing? Elliot thought, a bit confused.  
“Why would leaving your fingerprints somewhere even be a problem?”, he said, slowly, trying not to offend Tyrell.

When the waiter came and brought them their drinks, Tyrell paused as if he didn't want him to hear. It was understandable, but every passing second made Elliot feel even more uncomfortable.  
“Because it's terrifying”, Tyrell finally answered. “Someone you don't know and will never meet again carrying around tiny parts and traces of you. And you might infect them without even knowing it.”

“Infect them?”

He paused again. “It's complicated, okay? I just think it's best if I don't touch others. But I have good and bad days you know? Sometimes I can take them off and sometimes it's impossible. When I wear them I feel safe.”

“What about losing hair and stuff like that though”, Elliot kept asking and took a sip of his soda.

“I wear a wig. I don't have real hair.”

Elliot's eyes widened. “Oh, sorry, I... didn't ...” He was about to literally dig a hole into the ground and disappear forever, when Tyrell burst out laughing.

“I was joking. Jesus, Elliot, it's okay. You can ask me anything.”  
People always say that and then they get mad, Elliot thought. But he couldn't help but laugh too.

“I hate you”, he said.  
“Hate you too, Alderson.”

A funny feeling started spreading in his stomach and he almost forgave Tyrell for avoiding his question.

“Why is this place called The Red Wheelbarrow. Shouldn't it have a ridiculous food pun as a name or simply be named after owner?”, he thought out loud.  
“It's a poem.” Tyrell had been stirring his lemonade for so long now, Elliot had to try his hardest not to comment on it. “A poem by William C. Williams.”

“That's quite a stupid name”, Elliot replied. “William Williams.”  
“It is, but I guess he had to drink twice as much alcohol to forget his own name.”

Elliot snorted.

“So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow. Glazed with rain water.” Tyrell recited dramatically. “Beside the white chickens.”

“And that's it?”

Tyrell shook his head. He seemed disappointed. “You don't get it.”  
“Well sorry, Mr Super Genius.” His lip was twitching, trying to hold back his laughter.  
“It's about the fact that everything and everyone matters. Even the small things that you wouldn't think of as important.”  
Elliot decided he really liked that poem.

When their food came they ate in silence for a while. Elliot's soup turned out to be better than he thought and Tyrell complained about the fries. The longer they spent time together, the more comfortable Elliot became. They ended up talking about the most random stuff – where they grew up, their families, their favorite movies. (Tyrell had never seen “Back To The Future” and Elliot told him that he had never heard anything more embarrassing in his life.)

“I'm gonna go to the bathroom and when I come back, I need you to explain to me why those movies are so special”, Tyrell said, and stood up.  
“I'm gonna give you a whole spoiler-free review, dude.”

Elliot watched him walk to the door across the room, unable to get the smile off his face. Absentmindedly he took out his phone and checked the time, when he suddenly noticed the notification. Three missed calls from Darlene.

Quickly he called her back but Darlene didn't pick up. His heart was beating so fast it seemed to jump out of his chest.  
Come on, just pick up, please. He knew that Darlene wouldn't call him if it wasn't important.

“Elliot, I need you.” Finally, Darlene's voice. “Dom broke up with me.”  
Shit. Elliot squeezed his eyes shut and then quickly opened them again. “I'm kind of having a date right now”, he said. “But I'll be right there okay?”  
He could hear Darlene sniffling at the other end. “No no, it'll be fine. Sorry for bothering you -”  
“Darlene, it's okay. It's gonna be fine, okay?”

He hung up the phone the second that Tyrell returned to the table.  
“You look worried”, he said and sat down.  
“I am. My sister just called. She broke up with her girlfriend and she's completely heartbroken.”  
“Shit, I'm sorry to hear that.” Tyrell looked like he genuinely felt sorry for her. Then he added: “Your sister is gay too?”  
“Bisexual, actually. But she doesn't like labels all that much.”  
“Oh, cool. Like me.”

Well, that was random, Elliot thought, but at least it's settled now.

“Do you want to check on her?” Tyrell asked. Elliot didn't know what to say. His sister was a drama queen but he also knew how much it hurt when people didn't take your feelings seriously for this exact reason.

“I gotta. She has no one else”, he replied.  
“I'll take you there.”  
“You really don't have to. It's not that far.”  
“Well, do you want me to?”

Elliot spotted something in Tyrell's eyes that he hadn't seen yet, a kind of vulnerability. For a second there he almost looked like a little kid, asking another little boy if he liked him.

“Yeah.”

When they paid and made their way out, Tyrell took his hand again and this time, Elliot squeezed it a few times.  
“You're the only person I know who has a car... in New York City”, he joked as he followed Tyrell to the parking lot behind the restaurant.

Tyrell almost looked a bit embarrassed. “I know. It's stupid and I'll probably sell it soon. But I actually had this imported from Sweden because this car used to mean a lot to me. It was my first car and for me it meant freedom. It meant finally getting away from my family, you know?”

“Yeah, makes sense.” 

They got inside and Elliot quickly told Tyrell the address. Tyrell stopped for a second and looked at him as if he wanted to stay something but couldn't quite put it into words.

Tyrell still didn't quite understand what it was about this guy who didn't even fit into his life. The guy who was seemingly uncomfortable in any kind of social situation, the guy in the black hoodie with the dark bags under his eyes, his curly black hair constantly a mess. This guy, here in his own perfect, expensive, white car – a car that suddenly felt like the most unnecessary thing in the world to Tyrell. Why did Elliot even still hang out with him? He had to appear as the most boring person in the world. So far he had been the one initiating any kind of closeness, so maybe he really had been wrong about the impression he got from Elliot.

“What's wrong?” Elliot asked.  
“Nothing. It's just- I really hope you didn't use this as an excuse to get away from me. If it's that, I hope you know that you can just tell me. That's usually the best thing to do, you know.”

“Tyrell.”

“And if you never wanna see me again, you can also just tell me. That's fine. I never wanted to force anything on you-”

Elliot reached out his arms and slowly pulled Tyrell into a hug. He usually didn't like hugs but he knew that Tyrell liked them and that he probably didn't get one very often. Tyrell stopped talking immediately and put his arms around Elliot who was now leaning awkwardly over the center console.

Elliot took a deep breath, taking in Tyrell's scent and bracing himself for the usual uncomfortable feeling - being too close to another person - to overcome him. But it didn't.

As he loosened the hug and started to move backwards towards his seat, he noticed that Tyrell's eyes were closed. He softly kissed his cheek and then let go of him completely.

“What was that for?”, Tyrell said, his cheeks blushing like a little school boy.  
Elliot shrugged. “You were talking trash”, he said. “Of course I like you. And I may be awkward but if I ever stop liking you, I'll definitely let you know.”

“You drive me crazy, Elliot.”  
“I've noticed.” This time he didn't try to hide his smile.


	4. Part 4

8// Then.  
(The Bell – Normandie)

“Darlene?”

No answer.

“Darlene, it's me.”  
Elliot rang the door one more time, then he took out the key Darlene had given him a while ago and unlocked the door.

He stepped inside and still couldn't find his sister anywhere. The door to her bedroom wasn't shut completely, so he quietly opened it – and there she was, lying on the bed with her clothes still on, like she wasn't even aware of the situation she was in. An empty bottle still in her hand, she looked so lost, it broke Elliot's heart.

Elliot sat on the corner of the bed and looked at her sleeping face, the mascara stains on her cheeks. He felt bad for her, so bad, that the guilt was eating him up inside. Why did he get to be so happy about his date with Tyrell while his sister had gotten her heart broken once again?

“That's what you get”, Mr Robot appeared in the door and started walking towards Darlene, pure disgust on his face.  
“Get the fuck away from her!” Elliot said in a firm voice. “And leave me alone. I don't need you here.”

“Relationships are so useless. Do you still not see it?” The amusement in his voice made Elliot want to punch him even more. “It doesn't lead anywhere. You have fun for a few weeks and then one screws the other up and you get drunk.” Mr Robot rolled his eyes. 

Without saying another word, Elliot grabbed the empty bottle and threw it after him. The hallucination started to flicker immediately but the shattering of the glass on her floor woke up Darlene.

“Elliot, what the fuck.” She sat up, rubbing her forehead. “Did you just hit yourself with my – oh Jesus Christ, you went to a date like that?”  
“You should see the other ten gu-”  
“Elliot I swear to God.” Darlene sighed and then lay down again.

“What happened, Darlene?”  
“Dom and I have been fighting all night. This morning the first thing she did was tell me this “just isn't working”, because she can't handle how emotional I am.” She looked at him through her big, tired eyes. “As if she didn't know that before, right?”

“She sucks, D. You deserve so much better.”  
“She was too pretty for me anyways.” Her eyes were tearing up again. “Girls are annoying, Elliot, don't ever fall for them.”  
“Wasn't planning to.”  
They both laughed, but Elliot could tell that she was as much over it as she wanted to pretend.

“I'll get you something to drink. No alcohol though. And you need to eat. What do you want?”  
“You're sweet. I want something that doesn't remind me of her. Wait, let me think.”

They ended up sitting on the floor and eating a glass of pickles and some old toast that Darlene joked she might as well have bought before she even knew Dom – at least Elliot really hoped it was a joke. Darlene was a terrible cook and usually didn't even have any food at home. Instead she liked to randomly visit Elliot or Shayla and eat their food. It was annoying but Elliot was used to it by now.

“I'll never find anyone like her again, will I?” Darlene complained.  
“Sure you will. There's so many people out there for you. Just don't pick someone like that Cisco loser again -”  
“We don't talk about Cisco. Distract me. I wanna hear about your date.”

Elliot immediately started smiling. “It's Tyrell, the guy from the concert.”  
“Oh my god, that's great! He was so hot!”  
Elliot stopped chewing for a second. “He was what?”  
She giggled. “Oh come on. You may be asexual but you have eyes too.”  
“I do. I just didn't expect you to say something like that.”

“Well I'm full of surprises.” Darlene put a piece of toast in her mouth and stared at the carpet. “Didn't think I'm actually capable of love. And then there she comes.”  
“Deep talk.”  
“I hate when people say that.”  
“I know.”

Elliot smiled at her in a weak attempt to cheer her up.  
“Maybe it isn't lost yet. You could talk to her.”

“She's just gonna think I'm a psycho. Because I'm so emotional.” Darlene rolled her eyes.  
Elliot didn't know what to say so he just said: “I'm sorry.”

“Can you stay here tonight?”  
“Sure.”

Back when they had just moved to New York, Elliot stayed at Darlene's place all the time and the other way around. They were both lonely and equally bad at dealing with said loneliness so it was better off this way.

“I'm seeing Tyrell again this Friday to watch Back To The Future. At my place”, Elliot said while Darlene put a blanket on the couch for Elliot.

“Wow.” She laughed. “You hate people coming to your place.”  
“I do, don't I?” Elliot sighed.  
“How many drugs did you take?”  
“Just some Morphine. Didn't really help though.”  
“Elliot!”  
“It's the only thing that keeps him away! I can't risk him hurting Tyrell and ruining this again.”  
“You can't drug yourself every day for the rest of your life. That's called being a junkie and that can destroy your relationships just as easily. Plus it obviously isn't good for you.”  
“Oh, isn't it?” Elliot pointed to the bedroom. “You use alcohol, as if that's any better.”  
“Better than fuckin' morphine? Yeah, it is.”

She was right and he knew it but he didn't care. “You don't know what it's like. I'm always scared of him, always scared of whatever he might make me do next. I need some sort of control, I don't care what it costs.”

Darlene looked at him, empathy dripping from her words as she said: “Elliot I don't think you should be dating this guy right now. I think the only one you should be seeing is a therapist.”

It was such an untypical thing for Darlene to say that for a second, Elliot wasn't sure if he was hallucinating. He pinched himself, digging his fingernails into the soft palms of his hands, and everything remained the same. From the way Darlene looked at him he could tell she expected an answer, but he couldn't say anything. He couldn't even look her in the eyes.

“This isn't fair”, he answered eventually.

“I know”, Darlene said and pulled him into a hug. “But I'm scared. I'm always so worried about you, Elliot. Why don't you understand that you are important and so... needed here? I need you and love you so much. And I know you're also looking for romantic love but you really shouldn't drag anyone into this right now. You need to know your worth first.”

Elliot put his head on her shoulder and tried to fight back the tears.

“So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow”, he thought to himself.  
“Glazed with rainwater. Beside the white chickens.”  
-

Him and Darlene ended up talking all night and falling asleep in the early morning hours. Elliot called in sick at work, feeling bad about but not bad enough to drag himself to work when he felt this dead inside.

He got on the train by noon and went home, finally picking up his dog Flipper from Shayla, who took care of her when Elliot's mind was all over the place.  
“You gotta tell me everything about your date later”, Shayla said, sounding way too excited. Elliot promised her even though he wasn't sure if he would actually keep that promise.

Once he got back to his apartment, he decided to catch up on some sleep. The effect of yesterday's drugs had ﬁnally faded completely and he felt like he could fall asleep while standing up. He went to bed and immediately drifted off to a dreamless rest.

10 // Now.  
(Everybody - Sun Arcana)

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Mr Robot didn't sound too concerned - he was clearly mocking him.  
"I have to." Elliot sat up in his tiny bed, facing the door where he had sat until a few minutes ago, where Mr Robot still stood like he had all the time in the world. "I have to remember. I always forget everything and you don't wanna tell me."

"Well, duh." He shrugged. "I already told you why. You can't handle the truth."

"Why on earth am I here?" Elliot could feel himself getting angry again - angry at himself, angry at Mr Robot.  
"It's like something in my head is blocked. I can go to a certain point, but I can't go further." - "Oh believe me, that blockage was put there for a reason."

Elliot was about to jump up and choke Mr Robot as long as he needed too until he would tell him everything but he resisted. What was the point? He'd only end up hurting himself once again, Mr Robot would disappear and he'd be alone in his misery.

"Go to sleep, Elliot. Just rest for a while." Elliot had to admit that this was not the worst advice he ever received - Resting for a few hours sounded lovely. "Don't leave while I'm asleep. Don't you dare."

Mr Robot raised an eyebrow. "Suddenly you want me to stay with you?"

"Better the devil you know then the devil you don't." Elliot rolled over, facing the empty white wall and closed his eyes. If he tried hard enough he could imagine being somewhere else, laying in someone's arms in a room much bigger than this one. Just once again.

//  
Now. Dreaming.  
//

"Elliot. Elliot wake up. Elliot, you're dreaming."  
His eyes wide open, he stared at the face in front of him.  
“I'm not-"  
"You were. You were having a nightmare.”  
He looked around. A familiar room. Tyrell's room. White walls, white curtains, white sheets. Bright blue eyes.  
“Are you with me?"  
“Yes."  
He looked back up into his eyes, slowly returning to reality.  
“There was so much blood, Ty."  
"Where?"  
"Everywhere. There... was so much blood on.. on you."  
"It was a dream Elliot. It's okay." Tyrell put his arms around him, pulling him close and rolled over on his back so that Elliot's head was resting on his chest. "It was just a dream okay? It didn't really happen. I'm here and I'm okay. I won't leave you." 

Elliot closed his eyes and slightly moved his head up and down to indicate he understood that it hadn't been real.  
"I wanna delete these pictures from my mind."  
"You gotta press options and then delete. Didn't you know that?" 

Elliot chuckled, his eyes still closed because he could feel them dwelling up with tears.  
"This isn't working. I need to see your face." He raised his head and lay down next to Tyrell, his arm still around the taller boy's waist. 

"Better?"  
"Much better." He smiled and raised his hand to push a strand of hair away from Tyrell's eyes. "Are you scared?"  
"En contraire, mon cher."  
"A simple no would've been enough."  
Tyrell sighed. "As if simple is ever enough for us. Although sometimes I wouldn't mind if it was a bit less complicated." 

"I think we're doing pretty well so far." He smiled and leaned forward to lightly put his lips on Tyrell's. But the image of the boy covered in blood was still way too present on his mind. He pulled away and put his head back down on the pillow.  
"I hate this. My own mind. And it hates me back." 

"Do you want me to sing something to you? So you can fall back asleep?"  
They had done this many times when one of them had trouble sleeping. The only difference was that in contrast to himself, as Elliot thought, Tyrell could actually sing pretty well. 

"Sure." He closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Tyrell again. "You know what?"  
"What?"  
"Hearing your voice might actually remind me you're okay. And alive."  
"That's the plan". He could hear the smile in Tyrell's voice but also a hint of worry that never seemed to disappear these days.  
As he drifted off to sleep he could hear Tyrell singing one of Elliot's' favorite songs.

"Moon river,  
wider than a mile  
I'm crossing you in style  
Someday". //

9 //  
Then.  
(The Power Of Love – Huey Lewis and The News)

On Friday Elliot was so nervous he already got high at 9 in the morning.

"Bonjour!" Mr Robot chanted as he saw Elliot take out the third pill in a row. "Healthy breakfast." 

"Shut the fuck up." Elliot grabbed a book that was lying next to his bed and threw it at his head. Mr Robot caught it in mid air and winked at him.

"Nice try. If you keep that up I'll be gone soon anyways." He pointed at the pills in Elliot's hand.

"That's the point." Elliot downed them all at once. "You're not gonna ruin tonight." "Oh don't worry, you can do that all by yourself." 

He sighed and got up to get ready for the day, even though he was pretty sure there was no way to prepare himself for what he would have to do tonight: Telling Tyrell that he just wanted to be friends because he was a complete mess and even his own sister didn't think he was capable of having a relationship.  
He didn't want to do it but he knew he had to.

By the time the sun had gone down, Elliot had showered three times, done his hair like fourteen times and changed his mind about what to wear ﬁve times.

He also hid all the objects that he found embarrassing or weird - like a ﬂower vase in the shape of a ﬁsh that Darlene had bought him years ago because she said it looked like his pet ﬁsh Qwerty. But then he remembered Tyrell's stupid animal puns and put the vase back where it was.

The bell rung and he ran to the door at the speed of light to open it before it was even done ringing.  
"Hey", he said, maybe a bit too excited, as Tyrell got inside. Elliot couldn't help but notice he looked a bit different than usual: He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans for the ﬁrst time since Elliot had met him and even though it took him a moment to get used to it, Elliot decided he found it just as attractive as the usual plain white shirt. It would have almost looked too fancy for an event like watching movies at a .... friend's place.

"Hey!" Tyrell seemed unsure if he could hug Elliot - but then he just did and Elliot was glad about it. Hugging Tyrell was a lot more pleasant than hugging anyone else for some reason.

"I brought you something. It's a box of chocolate", Tyrell said, as if Elliot might be in doubt about what it was.  
"Thank you." Dark chocolate from this specific brand was one of the few sweets Elliot actually liked me to eat. He ﬁgured he might have told Tyrell at one point but he was still surprised.

"No problem. How's your sister?" Tyrell asked as Elliot closed the door behind him. "Darlene? Oh, she's still upset. I stayed with her the other night. Breakups must suck." Not that I would know though, Elliot thought.  
"Oh yeah, they do." He really tried his best not to be curious but then Elliot couldn't help but ask.  
"Have you had a lot of them? Break-ups I mean."  
He led Tyrell to the living room, suddenly feeling uncomfortable about everything in it, including himself. 

"No. I had one. It was nasty."

"I'm sorry to hear that, really."

"It's ﬁne. It was two years ago and luckily she's still in Sweden so I don't have to see her anymore."

Elliot nodded slowly, feeling a bit uneasy at the thought of Tyrell being so much more experienced than him. What does it matter if you're just friends? he then thought.

"Do you want something to drink?" He went into the kitchen, Tyrell following him. "I have uhh... water. And tea or coffee. I also have beer but I don't know if it's gone bad. Can beer even go bad? Anyways I haven't had beer in forever. Not that I drink a lot in general, but -"

"Water sounds good", Tyrell interrupted him. "Chill. You don't have the President of the United States as your guest."  
"Well he wouldn't even get water from me", Elliot said. He got two glasses from the kitchen and then made his way back to the living room. 

"So what's this movie even about?" Tyrell sat down on the couch and took one of the DVDs that Elliot had already put on the table. "I already know that bit where John Mulaney makes fun of it."

"Well I don't know who John Mulaney is", Elliot put the glasses down on the table and sat down next to Tyrell. "But he certainly has a shitty taste in movies if he makes fun of this one."

"Oh no, I think he likes them too. He just makes fun of it because he's a comedian. I'll send it to you later." Tyrell smiled in memory and Elliot thought it was adorable.

When they started the movie he kept pausing it to give Tyrell unnecessary background information about the cast and making of the movie that he had seen in some documentary. At least Tyrell pretended to care and acted like every bit of information was super interesting.  
"This movie is kinda sexist, just saying", he commented at one point.

"It's from the 80's so lower your standards okay?"  
"But I gotta say, this Marty guy is quite hot."  
"You think so?" Elliot started laughing.  
"Yes, don't judge me, okay. I know he's old now. But I mean, even his own mom wants to bang him so I can't be alone with my opinion."

"Oh my God." Elliot paused the movie because he was laughing so hard it was impossible for Tyrell to understand anything. "You fuckin' ruined this, Tyrell. You failed the test."

"What! I'm stating facts. Fact number one: His face is the best thing about this movie. Fact number two: His own MOTHER ﬁnds him hot-" Tyrell raised two ﬁngers to indicate that he was counting and looked at Elliot expectantly. "And fact number three, John Mulaney was right. Why the hell is he friends with an old weird guy?"

"I was eight when I ﬁrst saw this okay?" Elliot was still laughing. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this happy for more than two seconds.

"You gotta watch this with the eyes of a child. And now I can't because you ruined it", Elliot complained. "You wrecked my innocence."

"Did I?" Tyrell raised an eyebrow. “Tell me about it.”

Every inch in Elliot's body wanted to lean in, pin him to the couch and kiss him until he forgot his own name. "You did." He bit his lip and turned away before Tyrell could make a move. Quickly he clicked play on the remoter. "You totally did."

"This really is important to you huh?" Tyrell said as they reached the end of the movie and Elliot looked as excited as he had looked the first time he'd seen it, trying his best not to say all the character's lines along with them and annoy the shit out of Tyrell. "That your- that I like this movie?" He wanted to say "your boyfriend", Elliot thought and his heart felt heavy.

"It's my favorite movie", he said, almost apologetically.  
"It's quite good", Tyrell admitted. Never would Elliot let him know how much that meant to him.

"Do you wanna take a walk?" He asked out of nothing. "We should talk. And my own apartment depresses me."  
"It's dark outside", Tyrell stated.  
"I know. I'll walk you home if you want. Walking around in the dark is nice, believe me."  
"Alright. I trust you."

They got up, quietly put on their jackets and shoes and walked down the halls trying to make as little noise as possible and not to wake up any neighbors.

The streets of New York looked beautiful at night. Elliot love talking walks when it was already dark outside. It helped him clear his head and come back to reality. After a few minutes of walking, Elliot noticed that Tyrell was looking at him. He felt his blood immediately rushing to his cheeks.

"What did you wanna talk about?" Tyrell asked.

"I just wanted to... clarify some things."

"I see." Tyrell's lip was twitching. "Clarify things."  
"Don't make fun of me, I'm serious." His heart was racing and he really wasn't in the mood for jokes.

"I just... I... I don't know how to phrase this."  
Tyrell stopped walking. "Just say it." 

"I'm a total mess, Tyrell. I have some... serious issues. And I just... I just can't have a relationship when I'm in this state of mind. I don't know if you're even... interested in me in this way. But if you are, you should know that's not gonna happen."

Tyrell's face didn't show a single expression that Elliot could identify. He didn't reply for a few seconds that felt like forever. Then he cleared his throat.

"I am. Interested in you. But I get it, I really do. I mean-" He raised his hands, showing off the gloves. "How could I judge you for your mental problems when I have them myself. And that's probably why we wouldn't work."

It broke Elliot's heart to see him like that. "It's not just that. I don't care about your phobia and I don't think anxiety is that big of a challenge... for a relationship. But there's some other stuff going on that I haven't told you yet." He started walking again and Tyrell followed him hesitantly.

"I'm not always myself. Sometimes I turn into this other version of myself and sometimes I see them standing somewhere, just watching or even talking to me. It sounds funny but really isn't. When I was 18 I made out with a guy at a party and he took over and beat him up.

Since then I got a lot better at controlling it but I'm still scared, Tyrell. You never know what might happen next with someone like me. I'd rather not have you too involved in this because I'm scared of hurting you. That's the truth."

Tyrell stared at him, his eyes wide in disbelief. Then his expression shifted, from disappointment, to sympathy, to pain, to curiosity.

"Is he listening to us right now? Is he watching us?"  
Elliot kept his eyes glued to Tyrell when he slowly moved his head up and down. 

"That must be terrifying", Tyrell said.  
"To be honest I'm used to it."  
"I'm sorry. I guess I need some time to process all of  
this."  
Elliot nodded. "Sure. Want me to leave you alone now?"  
Tyrell shook his head. "I just want you next to me for a while. Is that okay?"  
"More than okay."

They kept walking silently, watching the people and cars around them, their hands touching every once in a while. Elliot had always thought that some people were easier to talk to than others. What he hadn't realized was that silence was also more comfortable around some people than around others.

The time passed and Elliot would've loved to just stop it for a while. Everything was better when Tyrell was there. The vulnerability he had felt around him until not to long ago had turned into a deep kind of trust. It was incredible how fast things could change. 

"My apartment is over there", Tyrell ﬁnally said, pointing towards a giant white building with a gray roof. "Alright", Elliot replied. Was he supposed to leave now?

But Tyrell pointed towards a bus stop with a bench, next to his house. "Let's sit down there for a second."  
When they reached the bench, Tyrell sat down and patted the seat next to him. 

“So what do we do now?” he asked.  
“I don't know. Friends?”  
Tyrell nodded and reached out his hand. “Best buddies. Just two platonic dudes. Two bros.”  
“Ty, I swear to God, don't overdo it.”  
“Okay, okay.” He smirked. “Is Ty my new 'no homo' name, Alderson?”  
Elliot laughed and shook his head. “You're the worst. This is not gonna work.”

They sat next to each other for a while until Elliot decided it was time to leave. He pulled Tyrell into a hug and said goodbye without looking at his face again. He just couldn't take it.

“I'll text you!” he said, trying to sound happy and waved at Tyrell one last time before he disappeared around the corner and finally let the tears fall from his eyes. He had felt all kinds of pain in his life. But nothing was worse than this crushing loneliness of losing something you know is irreplaceable.


	5. Part 5

12// Now   
(Liability - Lorde)

When Elliot woke up, for a second he had no idea where he was. Then the realization hit him. He skipped all sorts of morning activities knowing damn well he could get in trouble for that - and of course he did.

"Mr Alderson, are you okay?" It was one of the nurses, an especially inexperienced one at that. Elliot had noticed that the second he ﬁrst met her. He stayed silent for a second, then made a decision.

"I think I'd like to talk to Dr. Worshield."

"Sure." The nurse left and Elliot used the time to get dressed and stare at himself in the mirror for a while. When she came back to tell him the doctor was in her oﬃce and ready to talk to him, he thanked her and then followed her down the hall.  
Mr Robot hadn't said a single word so far but he was there, just a dark shadow walking behind Elliot.

Krista smiled at him when he opened the door and said down on the chair opposite from her. "Elliot I hope you know that you are not supposed to miss the morning activities unless it's an absolute emergency?”

"It is."

“What do you wanna talk about?”

Elliot took a moment to gather himself and then said: “I think I wanna talk about my father.”

Krista seemed positively surprised. “Sure, go ahead. I'm glad you're ready to open up now.”

He took a deep breath and locked eyes with Mr Robot as he said: “The reason I see my father is that I haven't forgiven myself yet. A part of me still thinks I'm to blame for his death. That if only I hadn't told my mom or if only I would've been a better son, he could have stayed.”

She nodded and smiled her professional, therapist's smile. “That's understandable, Elliot. But you know what your father died from, right?”

“He had leukemia”, Elliot said carefully.

“That's a terrible disease and nothing a little boy like you could have stopped.”

He nodded. Even though he knew those things – it felt good to hear them from the mouth of someone who really had no reason to lie to him.

“Elliot, do you feel like you need your father? Do you feel like your father needs you?”

His eyes were still focused on Mr Robot. “I think I used to need him and in those moments he was never there, even when he was still alive.”

“If you want to we can work on this, Elliot. We'll help you let go of your dad and maybe make life a bit easier. If you agree to talk to me. Can you do that?”

“Yes. I'll do my best.”

She smiled. “I'm so glad to hear that, Elliot.”

While Elliot had lunch with Leon, the only guy in this place he actually talked to, his mind was all over the place. Leon was telling him some bullshit story about a show he had watched months ago and Elliot was only concentrating on how his own story continued. He had gotten to a point where his memory got a little blurry but he had to go on. He had to keep going – there was no way he would give up now.

 

13 // Then.

(Blood and Bones -Kodaline)

Elliot hadn't seen Tyrell in thirteen days.

They texted every once in a while, the usual small talk, the usual exchange of how-are-you's and how-was-your-day's, but the more they texted the more Elliot could feel the hole in his chest and the longing for actual face to face interaction.

Elliot craving real human interaction. It was a wild concept, even for himself. But he missed Tyrell so much it physically felt like his body was lacking something.

It was the fourteenth night when Shayla texted him.  
“Wanna go for a drink?”  
He didn't have anything else to do and it was a Friday so he decided he might as well join her.

“Wow, you look like shit!” she welcomed him when they met in front of the pub.  
“Thanks a lot, Shay.” He went in for a hug and she held on to him a bit too long – it was obvious that Darlene had told her about what had happened.

They got inside and Shayla immediately ordered him a whiskey. “You need it today”, she stated. He sighed.

“Do I?”

She nodded and handed him the glass. “On you, my dear.”

“On you.”

Elliot had to admit that the drink didn't taste too bad and a warm feeling filled his stomach.

“He lives in this part of town”, Elliot said finally. “Tyrell. I walked him home the other night after I told him about my situation.”

Shayla smiled at him sympathetically. “I'm so sorry, El. But you did the right thing. You're not stable enough for a relationship yet. But a friendship is also worth so much, don't forget that.”

“I'm not sure if we're even friends anymore. This just isn't working.” Elliot took a sip of his drink. The more of it he downed, the better it tasted.

“I met a guy online but I'm not sure yet if I even wanna meet him.”  
Shayla shrugged. “To immediately have as much chemistry as you and this Tyrell guy seemed to have … that's rare.”

They kept talking about Jason, Shayla's Tinder date (Elliot thought he had suspicious eyebrows and advised Shayla not to meet him) and an annoying new co-worker of Elliot's who kept getting on his nerves with her questions.

But no matter what, Elliot always ended up thinking of Tyrell again. 

“I don't understand why being friends seems to be so hard for you guys. Even people who used to date sometimes end up becoming friends and you guys never even made out.”

Sadly, Elliot thought.

“It's just that under different circumstances we totally would be dating.”  
Shayla nodded. “This is a really tricky situation.”

They tried to work out a solution but of course there was no easy one. Eventually Shayla said she had to catch her last train and got up to hug Elliot goodbye.

“You sure you wanna stay here?” she said worriedly. “I really don't feel comfortable leaving you here all alone.”  
“Hey, I'll be fine.” Elliot forced himself to smile. “I just wanna sit here a little longer.”

But of course he didn't just sit there. The second Shayla was gone he took out his phone and texted Tyrell.

Ty,  
I don't care if we're friends, I don't care if we're dating, I don't care if you hate me. You're the person I feel most comfortable around and I've only known you for like a month or two. I just need you right now. And yes, I'm drunk but I miss you just the same when I'm sober. I just don't have the balls to tell you.

So whenever you're ready, I'm at McLarens, waiting for you.  
El.

The pub rapidly got emptier and soon Elliot was almost completely alone so he got up and decided to go home. It had been so long, there was no way Tyrell would come to the pub. His apartment wasn't that far away so he decided to walk home, but he didn't get very far. The street he had to walk down was completely empty for once. 

 

Suddenly as he got closer, he noticed a group of men standing around a street lantern and staring in his direction. Before he could react, three of them started walking towards him. Shit shit shit. You are an idiot, Elliot, you're such an idiot.

He looked around himself, panicking. There was no one anywhere near him, except for the group of men ahead of him. Just turn around and run, he thought to himself. 

“Let me take the lead.” Mr Robot pushed him and walked towards the boys confidently. Inside Elliot was screaming but he had no control over his body anymore.

There was a reason why he never drank. While “harder” drugs like morphine helped him gain control, alcohol brought out Mr Robot. He had no idea why but it had always been this way.

“What are you doing?” he hissed.  
“I'm getting you out of here. No reason to be scared at the first inconvenience that gets in your way.”  
“Jesus, can you just do what any normal human would do? Just once?”  
“Don't worry. I got this.”

As the men got closer, he could see that one of them was hiding something behind his back - probably a gun.

“Wallet”, the tallest guy groaned. Elliot's fight or flight instinct kicked in and he begged Mr Robot to just walk away from the situation or give him the wallet, but he didn't listen.

“Get out of my way, kiddo”, Elliot heard him say in his own voice.  
“Did you just call me kiddo?” The guy moved closer his face closer to Elliot, his dark eyes sparkling with anger. “KIDDO?”

Please please please just give him what he wants. You're gonna get yourself killed and me too. Please please please -

“You heard me.”

The second guy got closer as well and Elliot caught a glimpse at the baseball bat in his hand.  
“One last time. Give us your wallet and then fuck off or prepare to get your ass kicked.”

His heart was almost jumping out of his chest. He had never been this terrified before in his life. Please, he was pleading one last time. Just give him what he wants.

In that exact moment Mr Robot raised Elliot's fist and punched the smallest guy right in his ugly face. The pain shot through his hand and forearm right in his shoulder. Elliot doubled up in pain and held his hand.  
“Alright that's it, screw him up”, the tallest guy said.  
Fuck.

“I hate you so much”, he thought, directed at Mr Robot.

As Elliot felt the baseball bat crash down on his head, he finally gained the full control over his body and tried to get away, but it was too late. He completely lost his vision for a few seconds and his head started ringing.

As he sank to the floor, crashing to the hard concrete, he yelled at Mr Robot in his head.

Is this what you wanted? Are you happy now?

But no sound came out of his mouth. He tightly held on to his bag, ready to fight with everything he had left in him.

“Hit him again and then take his wallet”, the leader screamed.

Elliot squinted his eyes shut, expecting the worst.  
Somehow this was what he had always imagined the end of his life to be like - Mr Robot getting him in some dangerous situation that could've easily been avoided. He made one last attempt to get up but one of the guys started kicking his sides.

The pain shot through Elliot's entire body, taking his breath away.

“Get the fuck away from him!”

At first he thought he was hallucinating. There was no way in the world that the voice he was hearing was real, right?

“Who's that?” One of the guys said, sounding annoyed.

“I SAID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM.” 

The voice was cracking in anger. “I HAVE A GUN RIGHT HERE AND I'M GONNA FUCKIN USE IT IF YOU DON'T GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT NOW.”

Elliot had never heard anyone this angry and the closer it got the more chills he could feel all over his body.

“I'M SERIOUS. I'LL SHOOT.” 

The man was now right in front of him, his voice only slightly lowered. But Elliot's pounding head was able to recognize it. Tyrell.

“Come on, guys.” One of the smaller guys said something that Elliot didn't quite understand.

They all groaned and ran away in the opposite direction, taking Elliot's jacket with them, probably hoping that there could money in there.

“Hey.” Tyrell knelled down next to him. “Elliot, can you hear me?”  
Elliot slowly opened his eyes and looked at the face he had been longing for - for what felt like ages. His head was pounding and he knew he couldn't stay conscious much longer.

“Yes”, he whispered. Tyrell looked so worried it broke his heart.

“I'm sorry I couldn't be there earlier. I'm such a coward I couldn't decide on what to do. And when I finally did... I … heard the screams.”

Elliot laughed quietly. “Perfect timing, Ty.”

Tyrell slowly lifted him up from the ground and put Elliot's head in his lap. He pushed some strands of hair away from Elliot's eyes and carefully inspected his forehead.  
“It's not as bad as I expected. But you still need to see a doctor. And you could go to the police and get those guys what they deserve, I hope you know that.”

Elliot smiled, suddenly feeling so much better already. “I won't. And I don't wanna go to a hospital. I wanna stay with you.”

Tyrell sighed but he kept stroking Elliot's cheek. “Elliot, you are so drunk.”

“I know. Thank god. This shit is painful enough already when you're on drugs.”  
“Do you think you can get up?” Tyrell asked.  
“I'll try.” 

Tyrell pulled him into a standing position and put one arm around his shoulder but Elliot's legs didn't obey him.

“I'll call an ambulance. Don't worry, I won't leave you, okay? It'll all be fine.”

 

“Ty?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really have a gun?”

“Of course not. I'm Swedish, not American. Now relax, I'm calling for help.”

Elliot nodded and sank to the floor, putting his head into Tyrell's lap as soon as Tyrell sat back down. Tyrell took out his phone and quickly called 911, while Elliot stared up at the stars and felt his head getting dizzy.

“They'll be here soon”, Tyrell promised. He took off his jacket and put it over Elliot's body, as he realized that Elliot was missing his.

“Tyrell?”

“Hm-m?”

“I'm also scared of hospitals.”

He chuckled. “Of course you are.” He went back to stroking Elliot's cheek like an overprotective mom cradling her baby.

Elliot looked at Tyrell's face and smiled. “You have the most soul-full eyes I've ever seen.”

“Elliot.”

“I'm in love with you. I almost died ten minutes ago and I spent the last two weeks of my life pretending I'm not in love with the guy I'm in love with.”

Tyrell tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. “I think I'm in love with you too, Elliot.”

Elliot's smile widened and he grabbed Tyrell's hand that was currently stroking his cheek.  
“No, don't stop doing that. I just wanna hold your hand.”

Tyrell felt his eyes tearing up. “Listen I'm gonna sing something for you and then you'll try to relax until the ambulance is here, okay?”

“Okay.”

“What do you wanna hear?”

Instead of replying, Elliot looked up at the night sky and then closed his eyes again.  
Tyrell did the same as he felt Elliot slowly drifting off. He kept stroking his forehead and singing, and even as the distant wailing of a siren came closer, all Elliot heard was the quiet voice, singing him to sleep.

-

 

14 // Then.

(Dying in a hot tub – Palaye Royale)

When Elliot woke up in the hospital, Tyrell was sitting in a chair next to his bed. At first Elliot thought he was sleeping too but then he realized that Tyrell's eyes were open and staring at the floor.

“Hey”, Elliot said quietly.

Tyrell immediately raised his head and a smile appeared on his face.

“Hi”, he said in a soft voice and grabbed Elliot's hand. “How are you f  
Elliot had to think about that for a second. “My head hurts.”

“Not very surprising.” Tyrell laughed. “The nurse was here earlier. She said you'll be okay but you need to rest for a while. And they're still doing some check-ups to make sure you don't have internal bleeding or something.”

“Sounds promising”, Elliot said with a smirk. Tyrell lightly slapped the back of his hand. “Not funny. I was so worried about you.”

There it was again. Worry. He seemed to cause that one no matter where he went.

“Oh, by the way. I called Shayla and Darlene from your phone. I hope you don't mind.”

Elliot sighed. “I don't. They would've found out either way.” He glanced around the room. Daylight was coming in from the window, lighting up Tyrell's hair and surrounding him like a halo.

“How long was I asleep for?”

“A few hours.”

As he looked at Tyrell's face, he noticed his tired eyes. “Are you trying to compete against me?” Elliot grinned. “The bags under your eyes are almost as bad as mine.”

“You said you wanted me to stay, so I stayed.” His smile almost looked sad. “And to be honest, I didn't even want to sleep as long as I didn't know you're okay.”

Elliot opened his mouth to say something but then he just squeezed Tyrell's hand.

“I'm glad”, he replied.  
-

Elliot had to stay in the hospital over the weekend. As he promised, Tyrell didn't leave his side except for when he really needed to eat something and have a shower. On the second day, Shayla and Darlene came to visit - and Darlene started crying the second she entered the hospital room.

“I'm so so-” she started, but Elliot interrupted her immediately.

“Stop it. It's not your fault, okay? Jesus, nothing even happened to me. Look, I'm as good as new!”

Judging by the expression on Shayla's face, he neither sounded nor looked very convincing.

“You're an idiot, Elliot”, Darlene said and leaned over the bed to hug him. “I'm so glad you're okay.”

Elliot closed his eyes and hugged her back. Suddenly Darlene let go of him. Her mouth wide open in surprise, she pointed towards the other side of the bed, where Tyrell was half sitting, half lying on the chair and sleeping peacefully.

“I didn't even notice him!” she whispered.

“Well”, Elliot simply replied and laughed about his own awkwardness. “The nurse tried to kick him out a few times but he always comes back.”

“Now that's just adorable.” Shayla already started to tear up again. “Elliot, I'm sorry for telling you to end things with him. Maybe I was wrong.”

“No, you were right. It just isn't always that easy, am I right?” Darlene smiled.  
Elliot smiled back, happy about the fact that his best friends still understood his own mind better than he did.

“Right.”


	6. Part 6

15 //  
Then.  
(Two Weeks – FKA TWIGS)

After Elliot was released, a bandage around his forehead and around his ribs, he almost felt more messed up than he had back in the hospital. The thought of going back to his quiet, lonely apartment after having Tyrell next to him for two days was pure torture. But Elliot knew that asking even more of Tyrell wasn't fair to either of them. He would have to get used to it.

They said goodbye with the most superficial hug they ever exchanged, almost as if Tyrell was scared to hurt him. He offered to drop Elliot off at his place but Elliot decided to take a cab. He didn't know what to say and therefore didn't think he could survive a quiet car ride with Tyrell right now.

“Text me when you're home, okay?”  
“I will.”

They hadn't talked about what had happened between them after Elliot got beat up – in fact they hadn't talked much at all. Sometimes it was more painful to say what both knew anyways, then to just leave the words unspoken.

It took a few weeks, a few sleepless nights, awkward texts and a lot of medication, until Elliot finally made a decision. He had to see Tyrell again and finally get it over with.

Elliot was taking a walk in his neighborhood again – this time during the daytime, though – when he realized that his feet automatically led him down the same road he had walked down with Tyrell the night after they watched movies at his place.

Once he could already see the building from a safe distance, he picked up his phone and rung up Tyrell.

“Hey”, he said, trying to calm his breathing. “So... I'm kinda standing in front of your house and I thought maybe... you wanna come downstairs?”

The line stayed silent for a while, and all he heard was the sound of Tyrell's breath. 

“How bout you come up here instead?” he replied.  
-

Elliot had expected Tyrell's apartment to be the fanciest place he had ever been to, but actually it seemed quite minimalist and comfortable. The furniture was super modern as far as Elliot could tell and it was obviously a lot bigger than his own place. Plus the windows were giant so that sunlight floated the room.

“It's nice here”, Elliot said and sat down on the couch without being offered a seat. Once again he wondered where that natural comfortableness around Tyrell came from.

He averted his gaze from the window and focused on Tyrell, who looked a lot healthier than the last time he saw him. Yet, there was still this sadness in his eyes that Elliot noticed the day he first met him. His hair wasn't slicked back this time but hung into his face in messy strands. 

“You look a lot better”, Tyrell said, just in that moment. “It... healed well.” 

Elliot nodded and patted the seat next to him, the way Tyrell had done it, back then at the bus stop. Tyrell however, didn't move a single inch.

“I missed you so much”, he said quietly, a longing in his voice that made Elliot shiver.  
He got back up and walked towards him, reaching out his hand but once again, Tyrell rejected him.

“I can't keep waiting for you, Elliot. You keep pushing me away and then coming back and I don't know what to think of that. I just don't know how to deal with it.”

The cold feeling in Elliot's stomach set in as he realized what Tyrell was trying to tell him. How ironic that his attempts to keep his distance had hurt the one person he was trying to protect in the first place.

“Tyrell, I'm so sorry.”

“Don't be. I understand this is difficult for you and I need to be considerate of your... special condition. But I told you how I feel and you told me how you say you feel... but now I don't even know... if that was really you.”

Elliot felt like he had been stabbed in the chest. “I was always the real me around you”, he explained. “I think maybe he's scared of you or something. But he never even speaks when you're there.” He laughed at the absurdity of the situation but Tyrell just kept looking at him like he was crazy. And then, out of nothing, his sadness turned to anger.

“You think I would act this way if I had another choice? You think I'm trying to play some sick game with you because it's fun to see you suffer? Do you think that's what I want, that's who I am?”

Tyrell stepped closer towards him, his voice trembling. “I don't know, Elliot. I just don't know what you want. I don't know who you are. If you really cared about me at all you would just walk away once and for all and not drunk text me in the middle of the night.... as if I'm just some guy you want a one night stand with and then never call me again.”

This couldn't really be happening, could it? Elliot buried his head in his hands and groaned in frustration. “I'm sorry I don't FUCKING know how to communicate with people!”

“Yeah, damn right, you can't. Some days you completely ignore me and it's like we don't even speak the same language because you're so goddamn awkward. And then suddenly it feels like you're the only person that ever really listened to me, the person I've been waiting for my whole life! And then I just can't imagine ever talking to anyone else ever again!”

The ground Elliot stood on seemed to be spiraling. “Well, that's how I am, that's how it's always gonna be if you wanna be friends with me! Fuck, Tyrell, do you even know why I'm distancing myself from you? I'm scared I'll hurt you. I'm scared I'll be a burden because you'll always have to worry about me. I just don't want you to endure that, do you understand?”

“Oh right, you're so selfless.” Bitterness and sarcasm were dripping from his words. “Just admit that you're scared because for the first time in YEARS someone got inside your fuckin' armor. You thought you made it bulletproof, right?”

He took the last step towards Elliot and pointed at his chest. “You thought you pushed everyone far enough away. Yeah, you thought if only you're enough of a dickhead, people wouldn't even want to get under your skin, am I right? And then this Swedish scumbag comes along and demands a spot in there but too bad the robot Elliot Alderson doesn't know how to even do that. AM I RIGHT?”

Before Tyrell could say another word, Elliot grabbed his shoulders and pushed him against the wall behind them, his heart pounding in his chest. He was well aware that Tyrell was at least three inches taller than him and could have easily pushed him away - but Tyrell made no attempts to free himself. He was just looking up and down his face, confused and overwhelmed by his own emotions.

“You are right”, Elliot said in a hushed voice and then - finally - pressed his lips against Tyrell's.

For a second he wasn't sure who was more surprised – Tyrell or Elliot himself. He pulled away and stared into Tyrell's face, his eyes searching for any trace of an emotion he could recognize. After what felt like an eternity, a smile spread across his face. Hesitantly Elliot reached up his hand to push a strand of hair away from Tyrell's forehead.

When Tyrell still didn't pull away, he leaned in and kissed him again, this time more passionately than the first time. He started moving his hands to Tyrell's neck and down his back, letting his hands slip under his shirt. Tyrell gasped against his lips and pulled Elliot even closer until it felt like they became one single person; two hearts beating the same rhythm.

Holy fucking shit, is this really happening? Elliot's entire body felt electrified, as if he had been sleeping for years and finally woken up and returned to reality. A reality that only consisted of Tyrell's lips moving against his, his hands in his hair, the sound of their heavy breathing.

All of a sudden Tyrell spun them around so that Elliot's back was now pressed against the wall and started kissing down his jawline and his neck, sucking on the soft skin.

“Fuck.” The back of his head hit the wall as he tilted his head back. Tyrell's lips on his skin created a kind of electricity he had never felt before. He buried his fingers in his hair, closing his eyes. How long had he waited for this, how often had he imagined it? And still there was an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, telling him not to go further than this.

Gently he put one hand on Tyrell's cheek. “Tyrell.”

Tyrell immediately let go of his neck and locked eyes with him. Without Elliot having to say anything, he nodded. But before Elliot could connect their lips again, he moved his head and put one finger on Elliot's lips.

“Wait a second.”

Tyrell intertwined his hand with Elliot's and lead him to the couch. Elliot tried to catch his breath and not freak out completely, his eyes still focused on Tyrell who now fiddled at the sleeve of his shirt. When Elliot realized what he was doing, he gasped.

“You don't have to -”, he started but then caught himself. What Tyrell was doing there was his decision and it was probably best to act as natural as possible... Still, Elliot couldn't help but stare as Tyrell slid the gloves of his hands.

He closed his eyes again as he felt Tyrell's warm hand on his cheek, his fingers stroking his neck. His body reacted immediately, sending what felt like a million of butterflies through his stomach. For some reason Tyrell touching him without his gloves was more intimate than anything they had done before, anything Elliot could imagine.

“We won't do anything you don't feel comfortable with, okay?”

Elliot opened his eyes and nodded, pulling Tyrell in his arms and kissing him again.

-

16 // Then.  
Then.  
(Touch -Daft Punk)

They were lying on the couch, face to face - Tyrell's back pressing against the soft back-rest, Elliot next to him. There was just enough room for both of them, as if the couch had been made only for this purpose.

“I'm sorry for what I said earlier”, Tyrell said, running his fingers through Elliot's curls.

“It's fine. You were right and you had every right to be upset.”

Tyrell smiled and then raised his right hand, connecting his fingers with Elliot's.

“I can't remember the last time I took them off when I was around someone.”

“And how does it feel?”

“Bit scary. But I'll be fine.”

“Well if it helps you, you already left your trace on me. I was already infected by you before you took them off.”

Tyrell rolled his eyes but he laughed. “Yeah I know. But that's not why.”

He stayed quiet for a while, then he said:

“When my mother died, at first no one really knew why. It was some new virus they had just discovered not too long ago. To this day, they still don't know exactly how it works and what it does. And it all happened super fast.

My mom would get this rash on her hands and later all over her skin. After she died, my brother always told me that when mom hugged and touched us when she was already sick, she passed the virus on to us, and that we would either die too or pass it on to someone else.” He snorted angrily.  
“I was six years old, I didn't understand that he was lying you know? Or maybe he was just as damaged as me and didn't know how to deal with it either.”

Elliot nodded and stroked the back of Tyrell's hand with his thumb. He knew what it was like when irrational thoughts wouldn't leave you alone.

“So obviously I know now, after all this time, that it's very unlikely that I still carry some kind of virus that I could pass on over my hands. I went to therapy for many years and it actually helped.

But when I moved here, it got more difficult again because I felt so lost. I never had many friends, I always was a loner – but in New York I feel like I just don't belong. There's too many people here, too much happening all the time. I really miss Sweden and the gloves give me comfort. But there's no way I'm going back to my family.”

“Tell me about them”, Elliot said softly. “Tell me about where you're from.”

Tyrell smiled. “It's amazing. So much calmer and quieter than here. I'd love to show you my favorite place someday... Just a little house with a red roof, next to the most beautiful lake you have ever seen. In summer the sunlight reflects on the surface and during the winter it looks like a fairy tale came true – when the lake is frozen and there's snow on the tree branches.”

When he closed his eyes, Elliot could almost see it, as if he was really there.

“And there's a forest behind the house. You're far away from civilization but that never mattered to me. To be honest, I don't think anyone even owns the house, or at least I never saw anyone there. So I went quite often.

Well my family... My family is pretty messed up. My dad never recovered after we lost mom and my brother is a psychopath. They're also both homophobic so yeah, that family reunion is not happening.” He laughed sarcastically.

“You haven't talked about your brother before when we talked about our families”, Elliot commented.

“Because I haven't talked to him in years.”

He nodded. “Can I ask you what made you take off the gloves now?”

“You did.” Tyrell smiled and the warm feeling return to Elliot's stomach. “You make me wanna be brave, Elliot.”

 

 

– 

Elliot couldn't wrap his head around the fact that he was lying here on Tyrell Wellick's couch with him, his hair still messy from when Elliot ran his fingers through it while kissing him. This afternoon he had come here to tell Tyrell they shouldn't see each other again – but he just couldn't, and this was what it had lead to.

It was incredible.

“You're beautiful”, Elliot said softly. “And you already are brave. Who knows if I would even be alive right now if you hadn't saved me from those guys who beat me up.”

“Don't even remind me.” Tyrell let go of Elliot's hand to trace the spot on his forehead where the bruise had been. “I've never been so scared. I really thought it was too late.”

“Well it wasn't.” He snuggled closer to Tyrell and put one arm around him, pressing his head to Tyrell's chest. In case this was all a dream he wanted to enjoy it as long as he possibly could until Mr Robot barged in and destroyed everything, as always.

Mr Robot. He hadn't appeared earlier when he was kissing Tyrell, which could only be a good sign, right?

“Thank God.” Tyrell put his arms around Elliot.

For a while none of them talked. Elliot didn't want to go to sleep, but he knew he'd have to, sooner or later, because he was exhausted.

A part of his brain was scared that it might all be a dream and that it would be over as soon as he woke up. He sighed.

“You're safe with me”, Tyrell said quietly into Elliot's ear.

But Elliot had already drifted off to sleep – and for the first time in a long time, he had a smile on his face.


	7. Part 7

17 //   
Then.  
6 months later.

(Last Request – Martin Wallström)

“There's absolutely no way you can wear that”, Tyrell exclaimed.

“Why not? It's what I always wear!”

“Elliot, no. At least pretend you wouldn't rather be in bed watching movies. ”

It had taken Tyrell two days to convince Elliot that he couldn't cancel every single dinner his boss invited his employee's to. He didn't like when Elliot isolated himself too much, and knew that his job generally was something he cared about:

He just wasn't keen on the socialization aspect of it.

“That doesn't have anything to do with me wearing my hoodie though. It's gonna be my face that tells them I wanna leave. Or die. Or leave first and then die.”

“You little drama queen. You're not gonna die or leave tonight because I'll be there and we'll have fun, okay?”

Tyrell opened Elliot's closet and stared into it, then shook his head. “Do you own literally anything that isn't black and baggy?”

“What do you want, black is classy.” Elliot folded his arms defensively. “You wanna make me wear rainbow colors so everyone sees I'm gay?”

“Nah, don't worry, you already look gay enough.”

Elliot rolled his eyes, but Tyrell blew him a kiss and turned around to look through his boyfriends' clothes again.

“Let me see.” Elliot stepped next to him and squinted his eyes. “Well yeah, look at that blue shirt up there!”

“Look, that's what I mean. This would already make you look more... presentable.”

“Aren't you supposed to love me the way I am?” Elliot said, in faked outrage.

“Oh come on, you know I do.” Tyrell pulled him in for a kiss. “I'm really excited for tonight. Guess that means we're making it official, huh?”

“Yeah, right. Making it official to people I don't care about.”

“It still feel pretty special”, Tyrell said.

\- 

A quite long time ago, Elliot had been on a business trip with his company, only a month after his and Tyrell's first kiss. None of them wanted to admit how hard this separation was for the two of them, but Elliot was in a bad mood during the whole trip.

His boss had been very proud of him and how fast he got the job done. The truth was, Elliot wanted it to be over as soon as possible so he could finally return to New York. Him and Tyrell had barely left his apartment in the previous days - just enjoying each other's company, talking for hours and hours and at one point, dancing around the apartment like they didn't have to worry about anything.

When Elliot returned from his trip, he went straight to Tyrell's apartment, but promised himself to appear super casual about it.

“Oh hey”, he said, practicing what to say while looking at himself in a window. “Me? Oh, I already came back yesterday. Thought you might wanna hang.” Then he realized that he still had his bag with him, so Tyrell would detect his lie immediately. Well shit. What am I even thinking, visiting him while I look like this?

He had only had the time to quickly brush his teeth at the airport and run his fingers through his hair, which hadn't really made it any less messy. Maybe he better would've gone home first – but he just couldn't wait.

“Can't believe you've become that desperate”, Mr Robot said, leaning against window that Elliot had just checked his reflection in. “Such a little slut for your Swedish lover boy-”

Without missing a beat, Elliot banged Mr Robot's head against the window frame.  
“Leave me alone”, he groaned, rubbing his head. Deep down he was praying that no one had watched him talk to his own reflection and then hitting his own skull against the window.

He swung his bag over his shoulder and walked towards the door. It swung open only seconds after Elliot rung the bell.

A surprised looking Tyrell stood in front of him, the widest smile on his face.

“I'm back”, Elliot said awkwardly.  
Before he could even start giving his well practiced speech, Tyrell pulled him inside and slammed the door behind them, taking Elliot's face in both hands and kissing him. 

Elliot made a surprised sound, but then caught himself and put his arms around Tyrell, pulling him closer. “I missed you”, Tyrell said, parting their lips for a moment, only to pull Elliot back in right away.

Elliot smiled into the kiss and opened his eyes to look into Tyrell's.  
A few moments passed, then he rested his head against the taller one's chest.

“I missed you too”, he said softly.  
“Let's never leave each other again”, Tyrell said jokingly.  
“I'd like that.”

“We could cook something”, Tyrell offered when they had eventually let go of each other and went into the living room.  
“Well, do you know how to cook?”  
Tyrell stared at him blankly.  
“Pizza?”  
“Sounds good.”

Elliot almost felt bad for how happy he was to be back with Tyrell. It was wonderful but also so scary to feel so attached to someone after such a short time. His anxiety already kicked in, telling him there was no way Tyrell could actually be in love with him. But he pushed these thoughts far away into a dark corner of his brain, putting them behind a giant wall so they couldn't reach him anymore.

As they sat on the table in Tyrell's kitchen, eating pizza, Elliot told him about how he managed to save his company from being hacked and how excited his boss had been.

“Damn, that sounds like someone's gonna get a raise”, Tyrell said.

“I don't even care. I just hope I don't have to fly again anytime soon. I was thinking thought about going home to you the whole time.”

Tyrell shook his head, a smile on his face. “Oh come on, don't be so cheesy.”

“It's true though.” Elliot felt his cheeks take on a deep red color. So annoying.

“Cute”, Tyrell said, still smiling.

After they had finished eating, Elliot went to the bathroom to finally refresh himself. He took a long shower and when he stepped out, he already felt more human again. His reflection in the mirror however made him sigh in frustration -The dark circles under his eyes had reached a shade that was genuinely worrying.

When he lay next to Tyrell, he actually fell asleep at a reasonable time and got some rest, but on his own – and especially while traveling – he stayed awake for hours, scared of his own dreams.

Whatever, Elliot thought while he cleaned his teeth, this weirdo apparently likes me even when I look like a corpse.

He put on a new shirt and comfortable pants and then left the bathroom, expecting Tyrell to be in the living room, but he wasn't.

“Ty?”

Elliot looked around the corner but still didn't see Tyrell anywhere, so he carefully pushed open the door to the bedroom.

There he was, curled up on the bed and sleeping peacefully, wearing one of Elliot's hoodies that he had accidentally left at Tyrell's place. He looked so happy and calm that Elliot didn't even want to enter the room, just so he wouldn't wake him up. But he couldn't stop himself, so he slowly walked in and lay down next to Tyrell.

Elliot tried to keep his eyes off his face, for the sake of not feeling like a total creep, but it was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. Secretly he was wondering what Tyrell was dreaming about. Judging by his facial expressions, it had to be something he really enjoyed.

Carefully Elliot pulled up the blanket from the foot of the bed and covered Tyrell's and his own body with it. He leaned onto his elbow and gently stroked the sleeping boy's cheek with his thumb. Tyrell shifted in his sleep, then opened his eyes, squinting.

“There you are.” He rolled over on his back, facing Elliot. Somehow he looked just as happy as he had when he was still sleeping, if not even happier.

“I didn't wanna wake you up”, Elliot said guiltily.

“Nah, that's fine.” Tyrell reached under the covers and took Elliot's hand, placing it next to their heads, their fingers intertwined.

It took Elliot a few seconds to realize that Tyrell must have taken off his gloves before going to bed. It still surprised him and made him happy every single time, because he knew how big of a deal it was for Tyrell.

Elliot smiled and closed his eyes, suddenly noticing how exhausted he was. For a moment there was no sound except both of their steady breathing.

“Elliot?”

“Hm-m?”

“I want this every night.”

He opened his eyes and looked at Tyrell's face, unsure about what he meant.

“I want you to be my boyfriend.”

Elliot's heart started beating twice its usual speed – or at least that's what it felt like. Boyfriend. He had never been anyone's boyfriend before, and to be honest he couldn't even imagine anyone wanting him to be their boyfriend in the first place.

But Tyrell... fuck, Tyrell was the most wonderful human who he could ever imagine as his boyfriend.

So he told him just that.

Tyrell's smile got even wider. “Glad we sorted that out”, he said and closed his eyes again. “Sleep well, my love.”

Elliot laughed silently and then leaned forward to kiss Tyrell's forehead.

“You too.”

18 //   
Then.  
(When The Darkness Comes – Colbie Caillat)

After they officially became boyfriends, they kept their relationship secret for a few weeks, before Elliot insisted that he HAD to introduce Tyrell to Darlene and Shayla.

“They're the only family I have, okay?” Elliot exclaimed. “I want to properly introduce you to them.”

You rarely ever notice how few people in your life you actually care about until a major life event comes around and you can count down the names of people you want to tell about it on one hand – or two fingers to be more exact.

At first, Elliot had claimed that his dog Flipper was the only one who had to approve of Tyrell – and she did. They took a lot of walks together, in the park behind Elliot's apartment. Sometimes they just sat under one of the trees, reading or listening to music. But when they took Flipper with them, she always wanted to run around the park forever, and her favorite was when Tyrell played with her.

“She loves me”, Tyrell would say, smiling so wide it made Elliot happy.  
“You are a traitor,. Flipper”, Elliot laughed. “I'm supposed to be your favorite!”

“Well the heart wants what it wants, huh?”

Elliot enjoyed the walks with Tyrell and Flipper, especially early in the morning or late at night when everything was peaceful and calm. Sometimes when he was with Tyrell, he wanted nothing more than to stop time and capture every moment with him forever.

The quiet walks with Elliot reminded Tyrell of the calmness and comfort of the quiet forest by the lake in his home country. He couldn't help but wonder if he would ever get to take Elliot there.

“Look at that woman over there”, Tyrell said once when they were walking hand in hand. “She looks like she just saw the devil in person!”

An elderly woman a few feet away was indeed staring at them in disgust.

“Let's shock her a little”, Elliot said and kissed Tyrell right there, in front of the woman. From the corner of his eye he could see her quickly walking away without turning around one more time.

“That was a power move”, Tyrell said, impressed with his boyfriend.

“Well, my dear – I learned from the best.”

Tyrell smiled and Elliot quickly took a picture in his mind, something he could keep for darker days: A memory of the sunlight in his love's eyes. 

-

On the ride to Darlene's place, Elliot gave Tyrell some advice on what to mention and what no to talk about.

“Don't ask Darlene about her job. She hates talking about it. And Shayla has some radical opinions on pretty much anything, so it's best if you only talk about bands to her.”  
Tyrell rolled his eyes and laughed. “Chill, Elliot, I've met them before!”

“Yeah, but back then you were just some weird guy I met at a concert and not my official first boyfriend ever.”

“I feel honored. To be honest, the title random guy from concert would not have been satisfying to me.”

“Just... expect them to be weird. That's probably better”. Elliot laughed.

And of course they met his expectations.

"Aw you guys are so CUTE", Shayla squealed and threw herself into Elliot's arms when she opened the door.

"Good evening to you too", Elliot said. He put his head on her shoulder and smiled at Tyrell who was standing behind him.

"Okay, you can love each other later, the food is getting cold." Darlene appeared in the doorway.

Elliot hugged her too and Darlene messed up his hair. "Can't believe my big brother finally got himself a boyfriend. I was about to put you on some dating app."  
\- "Don't make fun of me!"  
\- "I'd never."

Tyrell looked noticeably uncomfortable so Elliot took his hand as they walked in and sat down on the table.

"I don't know if this is completely inedible but I tried okay?" Darlene said. Shayla shot a warning gaze towards Elliot and Tyrell.  
"Don't complain or you probably won't leave this room alive. It took her all day."

"Nooo, I'm just saying", Darlene laughed. "I can't cook for shit." 

"Seems to run in the family", Tyrell said dryly.  
"Shut uuuuup", Elliot replied, trying to sound upset, but his upper lip was twitching suspiciously.

"I love you anyways", Tyrell said absentmindedly, about to take the first bite of lasagna. Suddenly he froze in mid air, realizing what he said.  
Elliot stared at him in disbelief.

"You - you just - that was the first time-", he stuttered.

"No no no, forget it. That was terribly random. Forget I ever said anything." Tyrell looked at Shayla for help but she was just smiling and shrugged.  
"You expect me to forget that?"  
"Elliot. Chill. We said the L word before."  
"Yes but you said IN love", Elliot argued, his eyes widening, "that's different."

"It is", Shayla said.  
"It's not." Darlene rolled her eyes.

"Elliot, can you just try to chill?" Tyrell was just laughing now.  
"No", he shot back. "No one ever said that to me before in THAT way. Let me make it a special moment because to me it is."

"Well I think the lasagna is just great", Shayla tried to change the topic.  
"Let them. This is entertaining", Darlene grinned.

"Well, that's sad but I'm here now and I'll say it as often as you wanna hear it."  
Elliot nodded. "You'll have too. Otherwise I won't believe you."  
"Okay." Tyrell took his hand again and squeezed it. "I love you love you love you".

Elliot pretended to be cool but his mind was spinning around. Why on earth did this wonderful guy love him? He couldn't see a single plausible reason, no matter how hard he tried.

Shayla started talking to Tyrell about where he came from and why he came to America, but Elliot could barely follow the conversation. He was just staring at Tyrell, the widest smile on his face.

"Elliot, could you help me with the dishes?" Darlene asked him, calling him back to reality.  
"Um, sure", he said and got up to follow Darlene into the kitchen.

"You don't like him", Elliot guessed.  
"What? No, I do. He's adorable. And I think he really likes you."  
"He LOVES me", he said happily and bit his lip, smiling.  
Darlene laughed. "He does. But Elliot, I just gotta ask you this... is HE still here?"

Of course. She couldn't let him forget about Mr Robot even for a second. His smile faded and he looked at the floor, nodding.

"Not right now. And surprisingly he almost never comes when Tyrell is there. I think he's scared of him or something. And usually ... usually Mr Robot appears when I'm scared or in a bad place mentally. That's never the case when I'm with Tyrell. Even if he's there, he only watches and doesn't do anything."

Darlene looked surprised. "And you can ... kiss him and everything without anything happening?"

"Yeah. Because it doesn't make me scared anymore. With Tyrell it's different."

The skeptical look on Darlene's face remained.  
"What's the deal with the gloves?"

"Long story. But he's getting better, he sometimes takes them off around me".

She sighed. "Folie à deux, huh?"

"More like the opposite, so no."

"Elliot. All I'm asking is to please be careful. I've known you your whole life. And I know your illness. It won't just go away from one day to another, you understand that right?"

Elliot felt himself slowly getting mad at her. "Darlene. I am the one who has been living with this for YEARS now. I know damn well it might never go away!"

" 'Course you do. And I bet you haven't forgotten about what usually happens when you get close to guys?"

"Why do you wanna ruin this for me? Can't you just let me be happy?"

To have his sister, the person he trusted the most, remind him of the one thing he didn't want to be reminded of felt almost like betrayal. He couldn't understand why she would want to deliberately tear him out of his current state of happiness.

Darlene grabbed his shoulders. "Elliot, please look at me. When I said you shouldn't be in a relationship I was dead serious! I was there when you first started having your ... moments and it was unlike everything I've ever seen before. If this happens again, it's gonna be super fuckin' dangerous. For both you and Tyrell - who only doesn't deserve to get hurt just because you wasn't honest with him."

Don't cry now, Elliot told himself, biting his lip to stop it from trembling. He grabbed Darlene's hand and pulled it away from his shoulder.

"Tyrell knows", he said quietly.

The look on Darlene's face was somewhere in between fear, anger and disbelief.

"You two are crazy", she simply said.

"What do you expect me to do? Stay single for the rest of my life? Tyrell is the best thing that ever happened to me!"

"I know, Elliot, I know! You have no idea how badly I want you to find love and be with someone who's good for you! But you need to take care of yourself before you can let someone else so close to you."

He shook his head. "I'm not crazy, Darlene. I've had this hold me back long enough and I just wanna live a somewhat normal life."

She smiled at him sadly. "I'm sorry, Elliot. But this is not gonna end well."

When they returned to the living room, Tyrell and Shayla were talking about something and laughing, seemingly enjoying themselves. But once they saw Darlene's and Elliot's faces, they suddenly went silent. Tyrell stood up, about to walk towards Elliot and hug him, but Elliot shook his head and smiled.

"It's all good."

Elliot didn't talk much during the rest of the evening but he was glad that Tyrell got along well with Shayla and Darlene - even though the talk he had with Darlene gave it all a bitter aftertaste.

He didn't want Tyrell to know what he was worrying about. But suppressed worries always brought out the worst in him, so he was extra cautious whenever he was around Tyrell - which was pretty much all the time these days.

And this was how they got to the point of Tyrell having to convince Elliot to be social and meet people again. Elliot had been isolating himself, trying to protect everyone around him from possible outbursts of Mr Robot.

-

He quietly got through the dinner at his boss's place, smiled at his jokes and made conversation as good as he could. But in fact all he wanted was to go home, lay in his bed and cry or go to sleep and just never wake up again.

Once it was finally an appropriate time to leave, Elliot squeezed Tyrell's hand under the table three times - their cue to tell the other one that the situation they were currently in made them uncomfortable and they wanted to leave.

Tyrell reacted immediately. "Oh Jeez, would you look at the time? Elliot and I gotta catch the earliest train tomorrow to visit my mother on her birthday. It means so much to her that we're coming all the way from New York!"

Despite his terrible mood, Elliot smiled at Tyrell. He couldn't believe how much he loved him, how lucky he was to have someone by his side who understood - and was the best liar he had ever met.

"Oh, so your mother lives in America too, Tyrell?"

"She does!" Tyrell replied, without missing a beat. "In Connecticut actually! Yeah the Wellick's sure love America -"

Elliot faked a cough, which was supposed to tell his boyfriend that it was enough now and he didn't have to keep lying.

When they had said their goodbyes and were standing outside the house on the street, Tyrell took his hand and looked at him proudly. "Didn't I come up with an amazing excuse?"

Elliot laughed. "You sure did. Seriously, I'm so lucky."

"I know right?"

They walked for a few minutes when it suddenly started to rain - only lightly at first, but then it was pouring down, getting both of their clothes wet within seconds.

Elliot sighed. "Why is the weather always bad when we go anywhere? Have you noticed that?"

Tyrell didn't seem to bother. "I like rain." He had to raise his voice so Elliot could understand him over the sound of the raindrops on the pavement.

He had a little smile on his face that Elliot couldn't quite place.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just... It's really stupid. You'd laugh at me."

"I'd never do that!"

"Oh, yes you would! It's really dumb."

Elliot stopped walking and looked at him, a bit annoyed. "Try me!"

Tyrell rolled his eyes and looked up into the sky when he said: "I've always dreamed of kissing someone in the rain, on the streets of New York."

Elliot laughed. "That's all? Come on."

"It's like a stupid little teenage dream, okay? Something I had seen in a movie and really liked."

He looked so embarrassed, Elliot found it adorable.

"You're an idiot", he said and pulled him in for a kiss.

When he pulled away, Tyrell complained: "That was ridiculous. We can do better than that."

"Okay, okay."

He kissed him again, this time so passionately that Elliot almost forgot about the people around them, staring. When he opened his eyes, wet strands of hair blocking part of his vision, he got lost in Tyrell's eyes for a moment – feeling like the whole universe only consisted of the two of them and nothing else mattered.

"Better?", he said, out of breath.

"Perfect." The smile on Tyrell's face widened and he looked so happy that Elliot brought their lips together and kissed him again.

“I love you so much, Elliot Alderson”, Tyrell said against Elliot's lips.

“I love you more.”

\- 

 

Tyrell never told Elliot that he in fact hadn't specifically dreamed of kissing someone in the rain. He just wanted to make him smile again, and he knew that it would get his mind off things at least for a moment.

And it did. But the uncomfortable feeling in Elliot's throat, the feeling of suffocating and his thoughts driving him insane - it didn't pass for a long time.

 

\---

19 //  
Then  
(Lovesong - The Cure)

Trigger Warning: Self-harm, Depression, PTSD

Tyrell watched Elliot fall apart more and more, every single day - and having to watch while not being able to help him was the worst thing he could ever imagine.

Some days were pretty normal - it was usually the days when Elliot was busy that he was mentally in a good place - because he didn't have time to think.  
But it was also the lazy Sunday afternoons, listening to Vinyl's together, taking walks in their neighborhood, going to cafes and bars with Darlene and Shayla - it was the little moments of light, that kept him sane.

Mr Robot didn't take control very often - whenever he tried to, Elliot had his own methods to keep him away. Tyrell had no idea how he did it, but he noticed that Elliot was distancing himself from him and once again, there was nothing Tyrell could do about it.

Apart from some kisses and cuddling now and then, Elliot avoided physical touch between them more and more. And one day, Tyrell had enough of it.

"Could you please look at me", he exclaimed when Elliot was laying next to him in bed, staring at the ceiling.

He turned his head, his eyes empty and sad. Elliot's eyes were one of the first things Tyrell had fallen in love with because they usually showed every single one of Elliot's emotions, if he wanted it or not.

When Tyrell kissed him, when he spent time with his friends, when he was doing something he enjoyed and especially when he laughed - his eyes were like two small planets, like they had all the joy and love in the universe inside them. But right now they were dull and darker than usual. Tyrell had no idea how to put the sparks back in there, how to get his planets back.

"What's wrong?" He said softly.

Elliot swallowed dry and then said:  
"Ty, you need to break up with me."

"What?" Tyrell sat up and looked at him in shock. There was no way Elliot could ask this of him.

"You should be out there, living your life. I'm only holding you back, don't even try to deny it."

"Elliot, stop it!" Tyrell shook his head. "I'm not going to. We can figure this out, you just need time, right?"

"I've had ten years. I just can't deal with this, I'm too weak."

"You're not!" Tyrell was seriously upset now. "You're so strong and you've come this far. I'm so proud of you."

Elliot silently sat up and rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie.

"Does that look like I'm strong?" , he said bitterly.

Tyrell could feel his whole world spiraling as he stared at his boyfriend's arms. It took him a few seconds to comprehend why they were covered in cuts and burn marks over and over. 

"Is this what you do to keep him away?" he said in a quiet voice.

"Violence always works with him."

Tyrell nodded slowly, then he grabbed Elliot's arm with one hand and put the other under his chin.

"Listen. We can fix this. Finding the will to.. save your own life isn't gonna be easy, I know. It's the fuckin hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But it's gonna be worth it, okay? Close your eyes."

Elliot did as he was told.

"Okay, now imagine The Cure coming back to New York."

Elliot opened his eyes and looked at Tyrell as if to say 'are you fuckin serious?'

"Shh. Close your eyes, come on. I'm serious!"

He smiled and shook his head but then slowly closed his eyes again.

"So. The Cure are coming to New York and we're there. You, me, Darlene and Shayla... and whoever the fuck Darlene will be dating by then."

The smile on Elliot's face got wider.

"And you're doing much better then, right? So we'll all go there together and we won't panic, we'll just have a really good time, okay?"

Elliot nodded, still smiling.

"So they'll play Lovesong. And we'll all be like "wohooo, remember how we met and talked about that song?" Tyrell's face was beaming in excitement. He pulled Elliot off the bed and into a standing position, still covering his eyes with his gloved hand.

"And they'll play the first few chords - stay there, my love, don't you dare move.”

Tyrell walked towards the vinyl player in the corner of the room. It took him a few moments to find what he was looking for, then he returned to Elliot, as "Lovesong" started filling the room and chasing away the noise in Elliot's head.

"So we'll just stand there, like this -"  
Tyrell put his arms around Elliot's neck, guiding Elliot's hands towards his waist and started moving back and forth, more or less to the rhythm of the song.

"And it'll be okay."

Elliot pressed his face to Tyrell's chest, pulling him closer, moving slowly but steadily.

"We will dance again and have fun again and laugh again. We'll make out in the rain and visit the Arcade and spend time in the park next to your apartment. We'll go out and make up ridiculous lies to get home as soon as we feel like it. And we'll kiss and cuddle and fall asleep in each other's arms again. Shit, we'll even eat Darlene's disgusting food again." Tyrell laughed.

"We'll do all of that, again and a million times more if you want. The good things aren't gone and the good times aren't over, you just can't see them right now. They're waiting for you, in a safe place inside your mind where HE can never get to them. I promise you. Okay?"

Tyrell felt his boyfriend's tears on his chest before Elliot himself realized he was crying. But he was, and damn, it felt good to just let go.

"You ARE strong, okay?" Tyrell said quietly. "Don't you dare tell me otherwise. Never ever again."

Elliot looked up, his eyes drowning in tears, and yet Tyrell could've sworn there was a hint of the usual sparkle.

"I will always love you." Elliot said. "No matter what, please remember that."  
“I know, baby. I know.”  
-

19 //  
Now.  
(Snuff - Slipknot)

"I know what you did", Elliot said, his voice trembling.

"Oh, you do? That's news to me."

Mr Robot was sitting on Elliot's floor again, looking up at him, seemingly surprised.

"How come?"

"I remember now. I made myself remember."

"Well." Mr Robot stood up and threateningly raised his hand.  
"It's not like there's anything you can do about it now, can you?"

The kind of anger and hate that Elliot felt was impossible to describe. He felt it burning in his throat, making it impossible to breathe. "You little piece of shit!" he screamed, grabbing Mr. Robot's throat and pushing him against the wall, choking him.

"I can't believe you have the AUDACITY to still demand a place in my brain. I can't BELIEVE you think you're doing the best for us! You are a fucking monster and I'm going to -"

Just in that moment, Mr Robot disappeared. Elliot sank to the floor, sobbing and screaming so loud, he thought he might explode and finally escape this hell. 

"COME BACK YOU COWARD" he yelled, banging against the wall with his fists and scratching his own face. He felt how someone grabbed him and put him back on his feet, but he could only see their faces through a haze.

Tyrell. The beautiful, kind, protective, selfless Tyrell, his eyes widened in shock as he fell ... and fell... and fell. His hand still reaching out for Elliot, an Elliot who wasn't his Elliot anymore. An Elliot who hated him so much he wanted him dead.

"Mr Alderson, what happened?"  
His therapists voice, neutral, friendly, understanding.

Elliot stood there, in the center of his room, shaking and crying like a little kid.

It took him a few moments until he could speak, and finally get the disgusting truth out of his mouth.

"He killed him". He stumbled over the words, choking on them. "He killed the love of my life. And he made me watch. I let him."

"Mr Alderson, please remember to breathe. It'll be okay."

Okay? It would never be okay. Nothing would ever be okay again. There was not a single cell in Elliot's brain that could imagine a world without Tyrell by his side as a world where anything would ever be okay.

"Elliot? Who do you say you killed?"

Elliot squeezed his eyes shut, the tears still falling.

"Tyrell Wellick."


	8. Part 8

Then. Before the storm. (Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol)  
//

As it got colder and the days got shorter, Tyrell started dreading the winter season, scared of what it might do to his boyfriend's fragile state of mind. But surprisingly, Elliot seemed to be doing better than he had been during fall. He smiled more and joined Tyrell in outside activities – and oh wonder, even those that involved socialization.

But someday Tyrell came home from work, an uneasy feeling in his stomach as if something wasn't quite right.

He was supposed to meet Elliot at his place, as usual, but when he rung the bell nobody opened. The uncomfortable feeling didn't pass so he took out the keys and opened the door.

He didn't like to surprise Elliot by just showing up in his apartment even when his boyfriend knew he was coming over. They had exchanged keys for a reason – for moments like this – but Tyrell didn't want to turn their dates into something ordinary, didn't want them to lose the magic just yet. A date was still a date, and not "coming home" yet, even though Elliot felt more like home than any home Tyrell had ever had.

It was stupid and he knew it - but he couldn't let go of the thought that something was wrong, and his intuition rarely ever wronged him.

When he had been a little boy and his grandpa took him and his brother to the zoo, being extra sweet and kind to them, he knew immediately that something was off. And he had always been right, especially one September day – the day his mother passed away.

"Boys, you know your mom was very very sick right?"

"She's gonna live on in our hearts."

"It's gonna be okay. Soon it's gonna be okay."

When they drove home that day, it was the darkest night Tyrell had ever seen.

He was staring out of the window up into the night sky, his tears blurring his vision, and it seemed like he was in another universe all of the sudden. The street they were driving down looked different, the streetlights just shapeless dots of color. Something wasn't right anymore and now he knew what it was. Now there was nothing left to hold on to.

In the backseat of that car, he started clenching his fists and scratching the skin, trying to get a hold of something real, something he could feel.

Tyrell shook his head in a swift motion, shaking off the memory. It was so stupid how these things sometimes randomly came up out of nowhere. Right?

He quietly opened the door and got inside, then silently shut it and said:

"Elliot?"

No answer.

Tyrell checked every room for his boyfriend but didn't find him, until he was almost convinced that Elliot wasn't home yet. But then he saw him outside on the balcony and heard his voice, muffled through the door. Quickly he walked towards him and pushed open the glass door, smiling at the sight of Elliot's face.

He opened his mouth but before he could say anything, Elliot bridged the distance between them and put his lips on Tyrell's, wrapping his arms around him.

Tyrell sighed and pulled Elliot towards him. He wasn't even trying to hide how relieved he was to be greeted like this. A few minutes passed, then he pulled away and looked into Elliot's eyes, and up and down his face.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yup. Look, this may sound weird but I wanna show you something. I know you're scared of heights but you just have to trust me. Can you do that?"

Tyrell laughed. "I'll try."

Instead of an answer Elliot grabbed his hand, leading him a few steps away from the door.

"Look, up there. You know this house has a pretty big roof right?"

"Yes, Elliot, I have eyes."

"You have. And they're quite beautiful. But what I'm trying to say is that we can sit on the roof and watch the stars. We just gotta climb up the fire escape over there."

Horrified, Tyrell shook his head. "No way."

"Well the alternative is stealing the janitors keys. If you'd prefer that - "

"Elliot, I love you, but I can't do that. How did that even get into your mind, and why today?"

The smile on Elliot's face got even wider. "Oh, you don't know! You forgot! I can't believe it, Ty, that's disappointing."  
He looked more amused than disappointed though.

Tyrell frowned, a confused look on his face... then it hit him.

"Oh shit, Elliot, I'm so sorry! Today's the anniversary of the day we first met, isn't it?"

Elliot smirked. "You got it. So let's celebrate."

"Alright. If I fall and die you can have my LCD sound system", Tyrell said dramatically and pulled himself on the first step of the fire escape.

The wind was blowing quite strong today so he clung to the cold metal. For once he was happy about his gloves because they kept his sweaty hands from losing grip.

"I'm right behind you." Elliot said solemnly. "It isn't that many steps. Just don't look down."

Tyrell's knees were slightly shaking, but he managed to climb further up, his eyes squinting so he didn't see more than he had to. When his hands got hold of the last step and he pushed himself onto the roof, he sighed in relief.

"I did it!" He reached out his hands and pulled Elliot up into a standing position. As he turned around, he finally saw the entirety of the roof – and gasped in surprise. It was decorated with lanterns in different colors, illuminating the floor. In the middle of the rooftop there was a picnic blanket, covered in plates and bowls in different sizes.

Tyrell turned around and looked at Elliot, his mouth wide open.

"How – how did you get that up here?" he asked, shaking his head.

"Shayla uh... borrowed the janitor's keys", Elliot replied, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"You are such an idiot, Elliot Alderson. You made me climb up here for no reason."

"There was a reason. You feel good now, don't you? Aren't you a little proud?"

Tyrell smiled. "I am. But you are still an idiot." He pulled Elliot into a tight hug. "Thank you, my love."

Something about the way Elliot kissed and touched him today was different, like he was more confident and comfortable in his own skin today. Tyrell liked it quite a lot, he had to admit.

They walked towards the picnic blanket and sat down, and while Tyrell's eyes were looking at the different foods his boyfriend had prepared, Elliot's eyes were pinned on Tyrell, a smile on his face.

–--

"When did we become such a stereotypical couple?"

"We always were, darling."

"We're so cheesy." Tyrell laughed and turned his head towards Elliot. They were lying on the blanket, looking up into the night sky. "But this was such a wonderful idea."

"I agree." Elliot reached out his hand to stroke his boyfriend's cheek.

"How are you feeling?" Tyrell asked softly.

"I'm good. You're here with me, how could I be sad?"

"This was the best year of my life, Elliot. Despite all the high's and low's. Just knowing you exist and for some reason you decided to like me – that's so much more than I ever allowed myself to dream of."

Elliot gently poked him. "Who's being cheesy now, huh?"

"I'm serious. Just thank you, and I love you so much."

The spark in Elliot's eyes was back. He rolled over until he was on top of Tyrell, smiling down at him. "Don't thank me. I love you and I can't imagine anyone I'd rather stargaze with."

He smiled and leaned in for a kiss that took Tyrell's breath away. Usually there was a softness and timidity in their kisses, but today there was a hint of something else, a different kind of excitement. Tyrell's heart skipped a beat when all of a sudden, he felt Elliot fumbling with his belt, while Elliot's eyes were still focused on him, shining along with the stars around him.

"You want this?", he whispered.

The thoughts were racing through Tyrell's mind. For the past year he had been assuming that sex was not something Elliot wanted – and while he liked sex, it wouldn't be a problem for him to live without it. Urging his boyfriend to do anything he wasn't comfortable with - that was the last thing Tyrell wanted.

But damn, Elliot's hand on his crotch was making it quite... hard to make an objective decision.

"I want it if you want it", he said diplomatically, "but not up here."

Elliot smiled and got up to his feet in one swift motion, then he took Tyrell's hand and pulled him up too. Tyrell was surprised that his legs even carried him because they felt like pudding.

\- "Please tell me you won't make me climb back down there", Tyrell said breathlessly.

\- "Don't worry."

He laughed and took his boyfriend's hand leading him to the door at the back. Something about his voice and facial expressions showed Tyrell that Elliot was just as nervous if not more nervous than him. Still there was nothing left of the anxious boy he had found outside the concert venue a year ago.

And I'm not who I was either, Tyrell thought.

As he closed the door behind them, he imagined leaving all the painful, sad moments of their past behind, to start something new.

If only it was that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is personally my favorite chapter even though I know it's cheesy
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	9. Part 9

Now.  
(HIM - Sam Smith)  
//

Elliot didn't know how much time had passed, when he sat in Krista's office, his fingers fidgeting with the strings on his hoodie, his eyes sore from crying. I probably look miserable, Elliot thought. Of course I do.

"Elliot, whenever you're ready, please tell me what you remember." The concern in Krista's voice made him shiver.

He shrugged. "I already I don't remember much. Just – his face. He was covered in blood." Elliot swallowed down the lump in his throat. 

"He hates him. He doesn't want me to get close to anyone because he's scared of it. It just doesn't make sense, you know? Why he never attacked when I was with Tyrell. Was he just waiting? And now he -" Elliot stopped, shaking his head.

Krista paused for a second, then she said: "Elliot, have you ever considered that maybe you are scared too? Not even necessarily because you are a man in love with another man. But because love – and relationships – can be scary. Especially for someone who's not in a stable condition."

Elliot didn't know what to say so he just stared at his hands.

"Well first of all, Elliot, I can assure you that you did not kill your boyfriend. He's the one who accompanied you here, actually."

"He – what?"

"He's very much alive. To tell you the truth – Mr Wellick knows you very well. He was worried that you might not remember everything correctly. Because although you voiced your wish to be transferred here quite clearly, you were still in a state of shock, Elliot."

Elliot's head was spinning, completely overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. Was Mr Robot able to alter his memory the way he wanted? How many times had Mr Robot taken over when he was with Tyrell, without Elliot even noticing? And last but not least, could he really trust Krista or was she lying just to soothe him?

Tyrell is still alive, he then thought, his heart jumping up and down in his chest like it was going to explode.

"How long have I been here?", he asked. "I... I don't even know what's real anymore."

"Six days. You still have a long way to go, Elliot and I hope you will go the first steps here so we can support you."

"How did I get here? And why did I ask to come here?"

"According to Mr Wellick you had a terrible nightmare involving his death, on the night of the 23rd. You then woke up to talk to him about it and fell back asleep, but the dream returned and you had a panic attack that lasted the whole rest of the night. In the morning you told Mr Wellick that you needed a doctor and he supported your decision because he was worried about you," Krista read from the document on her side of the table.

Elliot shook his head in disbelief.

"Just because of a panic attack?"

"Elliot, you were talking about wanting to die the whole time, you were terrified. Of course you needed professional hel-"

"I never wanted professional help. Never."

Krista shrugged.

"Well, then maybe he did."

\---

"I want to understand."

Elliot looked towards the door where Mr Robot had been standing for the entire session now. At this point he didn't even care if Krista thought he was crazy for talking to himself. He was in a mental asylum – how much lower could he sink?

"I told you. I. Am. You. Always have been, always will be a part of you, Elliot."

He stepped forward, placing one hand on the table Elliot and Krista sat on.

"I am not entirely evil and you are not entirely good. And this will never end if you don't accept me for what I am. Just think about it. I have never hurt you, Elliot. We may disagree, but you need to stop trying to kill everything that's bad about us. You'll end up killing the good parts too."

Elliot just couldn't wrap his head around it.

"Why did you never hurt him? Every guy I ever even dared to look at, you got rid of them. Why not him? Because I plan on staying with him for as long as I can, and I can't do that when I have to fear for his life the whole time." His voice was trembling in anger.

"I already told you. There's a part of me in you and a part of you in me."

"Listen, I want to believe you. But what on earth do you even mean?"

Mr Robot pulled away, as a kind of vulnerability appeared in his eyes.

"These guys were always just... eye candy if you want. Or just a game. But Tyrell... you love him. So I can't help but love him too, Elliot. When you fell in love with him, so did I."

Elliot laughed. "That's impossible."

"Look, kid-" Mr Robot bent over and grabbed his shoulders. "That morning when we were hyperventilating, slowly going insane, you were somewhere in there," he pointed towards his head, "hiding. I could have done whatever I wanted, Elliot. Kill him. Kill us. But I did what was necessary for us to stay right where we were – and that is getting help, to fix this. You get me?"

During the whole conversation, Krista had been silent. Now she raised her voice.

"Mr Robot, so you think you were taking the decision that's best for Elliot?"

He smirked. "I was taking the decision that's best for the one we love. But yes. No offense Elliot, but even I am better at taking care of you than you are." 

\---

Elliot stayed at the mental asylum for two more months, and eventually got used to the way things worked there. Some days it seemed unbearable and he just wanted to be back home on his couch, with Tyrell. On other days he just knew that he was doing the right thing, that he was taking care of himself and actively trying to make a change, for the first time in years.

Tyrell came to visit him once a week and told him about what was going on while Elliot was away. He had been hanging out with some people from work and went to bars more recently, because he knew that Elliot didn't want him to be lonely. Yes, he even started working out again, something he had always loved to do.

It was also undeniable that Darlene and Shayla had made it their mission to take care of him while Elliot couldn't. They took him out to dinner all the time, or just randomly called to check in on him – Tyrell found it really sweet of them.

But in fact, he was doing okay. He had finally found the time to build his own life, without depending only on his boyfriend. New friends, new hobbies, more time for work. And yet- the apartment felt a little more quiet, the bed a little bigger, the streetlight a little duller since it was only him.

Whether he was standing on the balcony looking down at New York, or walking through the park, or simply watching TV – there was nothing in the world that he would trade his time with Elliot for – and no doubt in his mind that he was doing the right thing, when he just stayed and waited until his boyfriend to come home and enjoy these things with him.

For once in his life, Tyrell wasn't going to run away.

"Flipper misses you", he told Elliot one day. "She doesn't eat much."

Not only her though, he thought to himself.

"I'll be home soon." Elliot took Tyrell's hand and squeezed it a few times, their secret way of communicating. It said it all in one simple gesture. I love you. I'm glad you're still here. I miss you too.

"But this was the right thing to do, I think."

"That's all that matters." Tyrell smiled and pulled Elliot into a hug. "But what about him?", he said quietly, his lips close to Elliot's ear.

"He's more... inside my mind now. But I rarely see him standing next to me and stuff. And we get along better now - I've only had to beat him up like once in the past week."

Elliot looked so proud of this accomplishment that it was adorable.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Elliot asked.

"I'm fine. Really. But I need you back home with me."

"Look, Tyrell -" He paused and looked aside for a moment because he couldn't concentrate when he looked into those eyes. "I can't stop thinking about this and I just feel like I need to tell you. When we... when we, you know...."

Tyrell sighed. "Oh shit. You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Tyrell, I swear to god-"

"Okay, okay." He raised his hands in defense. "Tell me. I'm all ears."

"When we had sex... and the entire evening before that... I wasn't me. It was him. And I don't know how to feel about that. I'm so sorry, Ty." He looked down at the tiles on the floor, scared to face Tyrell's reaction. He could feel himself blushing. Great.

"The memory is now slowly coming back but it still doesn't really feel real. I don't know."

Tyrell laughed in surprise. "Wow", he said.

"I know."

He paused. "I mean... I guess it would be cool if I could tell you I noticed. And that... that I hate him or something. And I guess I did notice whenever you were him. You act different, more confident."

He smiled at Elliot and Elliot smiled at the floor, while his face took on the color of a ripe tomato.

"I want you to be happy and I want you to feel whole again, without being scared of one part of your own personality. That's all that really matters. But... Elliot, I always love you, no matter which version of you I'm getting."

He slowly raised his head. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry that I love you? Oh, don't be. I'm quite happy about it."

"So we... are we still... us?"

"Yup. Even more us than ever before."

\---

Now.  
(Laughing Or Pretending To Laugh – The Smith Street Band)

The day that Elliot was released was a cold but sunny winter day. He said goodbye to Krista, thanking her over and over again, but she was the only person he figured he would miss when he was back at home.

Without him even realizing it, Elliot's feet lead him all the way to his apartment. But instead of going straight home, he went to Shayla's place first.

Shayla jumped into his arms only moments after she opened the door, squeezing him as if that somehow made him more real.

"You're back", she said softly, her face pressed against his chest.

They stayed in Shayla' apartment for a while and talked about everything that had been going on in their lives since Elliot left. It felt so liberating to finally talk to his best friend again that he could have stayed for hours, but he had other things he needed to be doing.

"Have you visited Darlene yet?" Shayla asked.  
"Nope. I'm gonna go to her place now."

"Can I join you?"

Elliot shrugged. "Sure why not?"

"Because... there's something we wanna tell you." She blushed.

He took a sip of his coffee and nodded. "You two are dating."

"TYRELL TOLD YOU?"

"First of all, he didn't have to because you two have been flirting for five years and it was about time. Second of all... yes."

Shayla looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Elliot. I hope this isn't weird for you. And I'm totally gonna kill Tyrell the next time I see him."

"It's not weird. It's perfect. But I'm gonna have to inform you that if you break my sister's heart, I will fight you."

"You couldn't even fight an ant, you twink."

"I'm serious. I'll get my boxing gloves and punch you."

“You don't own boxing gloves. Or do you?”

Trying to remain a serious face, Elliot nodded.  "You'll see. So you better don't even try to hurt her."

"I'm not planning to." Shayla smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm so glad you're back."

"Me too."

-

For some reason, Elliot was still avoiding the elephant in the room. He went to his apartment and looked through some mail he had gotten while he was away, said hello to Qwerty, and lay on his bed for a while, enjoying the comfort of his own mattress.

"You're not gonna talk to him?", Mr Robot said from the other end of the room.

"I am. I just need some time."

"Time for what? We made him wait for this long, what makes you think he's gonna wait even longer?"

Elliot got up and walked towards Mr Robot. He flinched, but Elliot simply put his arms around him.

"He loves me", he said, smiling. "And I think for some reason he even loves you."

Without saying another word he left the room, leaving Mr Robot behind.

He texted Darlene that it would come over tomorrow and wrote an email to his boss. Then he finally made his way to Tyrell's place.

\---

Tyrell was laying on his bed, aimlessly scrolling through his phone, when he heard the quiet clicking of a key in the key hole. He raised his head, his heart racing.

Only a few moments later he heard the thumbing of a bag being dropped to the floor, then a few footsteps, and finally Elliot appeared in the doorway.

"It's cold in here", he said.

Tyrell sat up, leaning onto his elbows, a smile on his face.

"How are you?" he said, a bit scared of the answer.

"Do you ever feel like you're dying inside?"

He nodded slowly.

"No, that's not even true. I'm doing... fine, I guess. Better than I have in a long time, to be honest. But I missed you so much."

Tyrell's smile got wider.

"I can imagine, having to live without me must be quite a challenge."

An eye-roll. Another smile. Another step forward.

Elliot reached out his hands and pulled Tyrell up so that they were standing in front of each other, only inches apart. They looked at each other, four blue eyes moving up and down like they hadn't seen each other in decades, when in fact it had only been a little more than a week.

But two months, it was two months ago that they had really touched each other for the last time. Every inch of their bodies screaming for them to finally come together as what they had been before: Two hands, intertwined, skin on skin, lips on lips.

"I feel like we made a lot of mistakes, Alderson", Tyrell said, his eyes focusing on Elliot's lips.

"We sure did. Do you think we can start over?"

"Okay." He cleared his throat.

"I can't believe you think Pictures of You is the best song by The Cure."

Elliot smiled. "I said favorite, not best."

"Touche. Hey, so there's this new restaurant called The Red Wheelbarrow. Although ti be honest, it isn't new at all anymore. Wanna go there sometime?"

"Sounds good."

Elliot pulled him in for a kiss and he had to admit - it did feel a little like it was their very first one.


	10. Epilogue

Epilogue. //  
Five years later.  
(Take me away – Gabrielle Aplin)

The story ends where it began: With a red wheelbarrow.

But this time it's not the neon sign above a small fast-food restaurant somewhere in New York City. It's an actual wheelbarrow, standing in the garden of the house with the red roof, somewhere in Sweden, where Tyrell and Elliot spend their summer.

The lake is always calm and only a slightly different shade of blue than the sky, surrounded by trees as far as you can see. Like a canvas painted in blue, green, blue, almost too perfect to be real.

But it's not perfect. The past doesn't suddenly erase itself when you decide to move on. Sometimes Elliot still feels like he's sitting in the backseat of his own body, and sometimes he still has to fight for his spot behind the wheel.

Tyrell still wears his gloves whenever he feels scared or uncomfortable. But Elliot notices that his boyfriend seems happier since they got here –and he enjoys the quiet and calmness out here just as much. Who knows, maybe they'll stay forever.

It's not perfect, it's so far from it. But through every fight and every depressive episode, every moment of anxiety and fear about the future, through every nightmare and starless night – they never had a hint of doubt about one thing:

That they would walk this path together, no matter where it would lead them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo .... that was it!
> 
> Thanks to Tabu for reading the terrible first draft and thanks to all of you for reading the (a little less terrible) finished version :D
> 
> *insert that meme "started making it. had a mental breakdown. bon appetit."*
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> Jo


End file.
